Hell in a Handbasket, A New Life in Process

Open Letter to Linda Weltner of the Boston Globe

2008-02-20T22:34:00.003-05:00

In my stress in finding a God Damn bell for my Dad to use when he needs me, I found a pile of articles. All one author. All yellowed with age and dust, and probably, tears and pee. They were all Linda Weltner articles from the 1980's Boston Globe. They were Mom's. Mom was a lover of words. Not everyone's words. She was very particular. Linda's words must have done something to stir her soul. The article I picked up was dated March 4, 1983, Just a few years after she lost her best friend/sister and in the throws of caring for her mother. I wsh I could condense the article and type it, but alas, I need to type the whole essay because it is sooooo relevant and a sign from Mom and God, that they know what I am going through and to just keep on keepin on.

The Essay is titled

At the Impatient Edge

The patient lies in bed.

He is recovering from surgery and still uncomfortable despite the medication. Or she has a slipped disc and cannot turn over in bed without assistance. Perhaps your child's asthma is worse. Or your father's reaction to chemotherapy is severe. Your daughter's hepatitus may leave her jaundiced and utterly exhausted. Someone in your family has MS, is recovering from a stroke, lies helpless in a body cast.

You are the caretaker.

There are meals to be prepared. The patient must be assisted to the bathroom, or perhaps cannot get there at all, leaving you to cope with intimate matters that blur the boundaries between mother and child, husband and wife. You've performed beyond your ordinary capacities, holding the invalid's head during bouts of nausea, standing in your underwear in a shower, supporting a child too weak to stand without help. Your read aloud for hours, lose at Monopoly, play endless video games. You are always there when needed.

The house is full of troubled sounds.
The television drones nonstop, grating on your nerves. Visitors move past you with little more than a nod, speaking of only one topic: "Is she feeling better?" "How is he?" You hear the bell ring from the bedroom. You hear the voice call from the second floor or hear the metal spoon banging on the pot top, the broom handle thumping on the floor, the crying muffled in the distance. The house pulls at you like a whirlpool with the patient in the center, sucking up all your energy.
The patient is in pain.
He is discouraged, angry, indignant that this should have happened to him. The person in the bed is filled with self- pity, fear, despair. Helplessness has made her a tyrant against her will. Sheer courage has made him a hero. Her smile is breaking your heart.
The nights are very long.
They pass in minutes that should be measured in hours. In the silence you can feel the pain through the walls. You can hear the labored breathing of the person lying next to you. Alone in the dark, you think about a future irrevocably changed by this illness, about the failure of love to wake you from this nightmare of helplessness. You sit beside a child who cannot sleep and practice smiling.
It is impossible to leave the house behind, even when you are away. You are aware that the patient cannot turn on a light, feed himself, answer the door. Her condition might worsen, the doctor might call, the person you love might suffer a relapse. You are needed at home, you feel responsible, you feel guilty that you did not prevent this from happening. You find yourself walking around in a rage you cannot express because officially, you are the caretaker, not the patient.
You feel like running away. You want to scream, to pound pillows, to cry hysterically. You would give anything to spend a week by a pool in Jamaica, but you cannot tell the person who is ill how you feel. He needs to believe in your strength. She is too grateful for your patience. You cannot burden you own parents; they are worried enough already. it is unthinkable that you should admit to a single soul how desperately you hate this renunciation of your own wishes.
You discover you are not a saint.
You feel sexually deprived, lonely, unsupported, falling headlong out of control. The floodgates open and find you screaming at the patient, "I am not a servant. You may not be feeling well, but I'm not doing so great myself." You pick up the phone and implore the person at the other end to come over because you can't take it anymore. You sob in the arms of a friend, allowing her to hold you, hand you tissues, make small cooing noises into your hair. When your spouse comes home late from work, you throw yourself at them in a fury, shouting, "You can't leave all this in my hands. I'll kill you," and for one brief explosive moment, you mean it.
In the aftermath of your outburst, there is relief. The anger has spilled away, creating a pathway for the caring to re-emerge. the person in bed, your partner, the children, have seen the reality of human limitation, the boundaries of self sacrifice, the patient in every caretaker which cannot go untended for long. They share with you the knowledge that there are some situations too grevious to be borne without rebellion.
And the a voice calls, need reasserts itself, and the miracle which is love carries you upstairs.

Thank you Linda, for giving comfort to my Mom, that she was not alone in her horrible thoughts, for giving me new insight into why she was the way she was during this time, and for giving me Mom's love and reassurance to keep me going when I just want to sell the house, put him in a home and run away. I won't. I want to. But I won't. Now to find a Goddamn bell so I don't have a restless night like I did last night on the couch.

Gaddddammmitt

2008-02-20T22:03:00.002-05:00

Dad is doing the, now, slow/fast slide into sickness again as he caught the horrible, horrible flu I got doing Medea. It was just a matter of time, but the slide from somewhat independent is one little step. I hear him coughing in the night.. through the day, etc. I can't leave the house for fear he will need me.
Today is Wednesday.
Tomorrow starts a 3 night cycle of my needing to be out of the house from 4pm til 11pm. Christie is on the fast slide to hell with the flu as well and Melissa's back (Chris thinks from the week she stayed here on slanted floors) is out of whack and can't travel.
I got to find a babysitter and an excuse.
Having just put Dad to bed, and by put, I mean PUT, to bed. I helped him to get out of the chair and get to the pee pot, where he missed all but two ounces of the pee, to cascade on my socks and feet. He pulls his pant up, still peeing and hobbles to bed, surprised that he is still peeing. As I clean up the mess, change his shorts, get him tucked into bed, I realize I need to find the gaddamm bell. We had a friggin thousand of them, now I have combed the house and find none. I need one.
He needs one to get me.
His voice is not strong enough for me to hear.
My hearing is totally plugged from the flu and the space heater hum and the heating system hum and my coughing etc. I found an article... it will be my next blog

The Rubix Cube Bed

2008-02-19T12:01:00.000-05:00

I just passed thru the worst 48 hour flu I have ever endured.. I only wish this on my enemies. Lord Help me, it had a soundtrack and everything... things I hadn't thought about for literally decades came flowing back, names, faces, events, music(might have been original but I wouldn't know) , there was a superhighway outside my bedroom window(in the country),and a Rubix Cube bed. I knew it was a hallucination but I could seem to work around it, so I decided to work with it. The simple theory behind it is that this is a new bedding that challenges the body and mind at the same time and when done correctly, provides restful sleep. When turning in bed, everything is numbered, every fold every pillow every pattern on the blanket, every body part. You had to maneuver them all in the proper order(not necessarily sequential) in order to get to the next comfort zone. Occasionally it worked, but most times it was a test of frustration.
I remembered entire cast lists and addresses from shows I did in the 1980's( anyone that knows me, knows I can't remember last year, but the 80's came rushing back)
Thank God Christie came and took care of Dad and me these last two days. Dad would have been dead.

Taxes

2008-02-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

I woke up cranky and late today. This morning I have to take all papers over to have my taxes done and sneak over Dad's stuff. What he hasn't burned, stapled or torn has disappeared. He keeps asking for the checkbook and wants what papers I have, so he can compile his taxes. I keep lying to him this morning that I compiled them and am bringing them over so Beverly can process them. If there is something missing, she will call. This all began when I had the bright idea to put all important papers in the safe deposit box. I thought it would be easy. Since then he has gone through all his files and burned most and shredded(accidentally ) the rest. So, no important papers are left but the small pile I have on my desk. Today will be the frustration day I am sensing. Aargh.

Addendum

2008-02-10T21:35:00.000-05:00

What 24 hours can reveal.. this should be an important lesson.I will print this out and put it on my wall to remind me. I am not ruling the last blogs emotion out.. but time leads the mind to take control of the situation and for the universe to reveal pertinent info. I did not ask any questions(out loud)( I thought them,but didn't verbally express them). I was told, just out of the blue that said person from the previous blog has
a) a boyfriend
b)that he lives with
c)goes for young
d)and hispanic

I fit into none of that equation.
Was it , in fact, just dinner and drinks? Thats fine, but how did I misconstrue it so?
Was I that delusional to think it was flirting?
Wish it really was, but now I just confused myself.

All this could be incorrect, but A and B give me concern. I can do nothing about C and D.

What? Um. Yeah.

2008-02-09T00:25:00.000-05:00

Holy Fuck... on a total side note, I think I was just kinda sorta asked out on a date by someone I have had a man crush, wandering eye on, for a while. Details as they become available. Holy Fuck. I peed my pants just a little when he turned to me and asked if I would be interested in dinner and drinks and conversation. I told him I would love to but not on Valentines Day because of the pressure to put out on that all important day. I told him I would not rule putting out out, just not on the obligation day of days. It sounded so much smoother and wittier than what I just typed. God, I hope it was smoother. Fuck.

A Day late and a Dollar Short

2008-02-07T13:58:00.000-05:00

Long story short. Tried to go gome on the 6th but snowstorms in Chicago cancelled all flights so I had to stay an extra night in San Diego at J and K's. God Bless them and their tolerance of me. I got home on the 7th.

Friday I got back to rehearsals for Ryan Landry's Medea at opens on Valentines Day.

I play a 5 year old... oh and a flight attendant and ghoul.

Should be fun.

I still think about John.

I know.

Silly.

Has husband, lives in another state blah blah blah.. but he got the juices longing for date and sex etc, flowing.. so he's not the right choice at the right time but, I can still think about it can't I?

The turkeys are from my backyard.. apparently its now the crossing yard for the local wild turkeys. Fun parade once a day. Now for the ducks to wander by so I can catch one kill it and cook it up... I have a fetish for duck meat these days... Don't believe me? Ask my waist.

Rain Rain go away

2008-02-03T13:26:00.000-05:00

This morning we all woke up to a torrential downpour.

Great.

Cold weather turns to rain.

Just my luck.

So now we have our final meal together at Tostada, a great mexican restaurant where I finally got my fish tacos. They were tasty. Off to Palm Springs to see if I can find warmer weather and quiet by the pool.

On my way to Palm Springs, the weather was horrible.. awful wind and rain. When I was 15 minutes out of PS, the wind was so intense, cars had to pull over to the side of the road to wait it out.. it was horizontal and strong. Palm Springs looked like a war zone when I arrived. A craft fair had been decimated. Trees down in the road.. all sorts of detours. I later heard that a tornado may have touched down. It certainly looked like it.

I arrived at Helios. It was a mess too. The owners were lovely, the room was nice and I just went to a grocery store and stocked up on some food and watched tv for a bit before going out to a bar for drinks. It ended up being a little too leather , levis and bears for me, but at least I made the effort. The next morning I had planned on sitting by the pool all day and relaxing, read a book and veg.

Not the case.

At 8 am, retilers arrived at the place and power sanded concrete and cut slate for the walkway, 20 feet from my room....

all day.

8 am til 5 pm.

I tried to relax by the lovely pool, but the noise was awful. I was more stressed by the end of the day than I had been for a long time.

I decided to go to the tram ride to the top of the mountain. It was lovely.

Went out to dinner at Azul.

Had a great meal and great conversation with the lesbian bartender.

Went to Mikkies? Where I was the only one there and went home.

The second morning, they started sanding and drilling even earlier. I just snapped. I packed my bags and left. Told them I was leaving a day early. I went back to Joey and Kyes and sat in the hot tub and mulled over my life. I emailed the owners and thanked them for them being lovely, the place being nice but the noise being unacceptable. That I wished they would have had communication and told the visitors what was going on, given us an option. Not to act as if nothing was going on. They would not give me a refund of any money. They offered me a free night when next I come back, and I informed them I will not be coming back to PS.

Two bad experiences... not going to waste more money on that town. Never heard back from them.

Please don't patronize Helios Resort.

Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte

2008-02-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

The morning after Joey's birthday... Saturday and everyone was,,, ok,,, well its kind of a blur, but I do remember that we went out to lunch/brunch.. once we got some of our senses back in order. We went to something on Park.. with a very angry Lebanese busboy(although pretty to look at) and a lovely Asian waitress. I ordered what turned out to be the healthiest corned beef hash I eve ate. We went back to the house and ate Artichoke Cheese Dip. Lord.. the pounds we all packed on during this adventure. Off to naps, then prep for the Talent Competition.

Joey wnt before us, John and I drove there and sat in the Green Room waiting for the other judges to arrive. The woman juge arived ( and seemed rather clueless as to what was going on) and eventually Carlos? the last judge. We got our instructions and were escorted out to the stage.

For the ages, the talent was amazing. We, the judges made our votes and they were tabulated. Meanwhil the audience vted too and their votes counted for 50% as well. When we sat back down, one woman in the audience approached us and told us she knew who should win, and that she better win.

The results were read... and the ones we voted for were not the winners in the order that we had hoped for .. and the ones that the audience voted for weren't the top ones either.. we balanced each other out and no one seemed overly happy. The woman in the audience's choice wasn't even top 3.. she was issed... ooooooooh , pissed cornered Carlos in the lobby afterward. Let me guess... she was Charlotte's Mom?

We went out to a resaturant fordrinks and snacks then home to crash.

We were all sitting around in the livingroom. I presonally was hoping for more cuddle time, but, I decided to go to the bathroom, and when I came ot everyone was gone and the lights were out... everyone went to bed. How long was I in there? I didn't want to assume that there was cuddle time in my future and knock on the door, so I went to my own room and went to bed. LOL.

In retrospect, I should have knocked, I was told, so I learned my lesson.

Joey's Birthday 40th. Ha!

2008-02-01T13:27:00.000-05:00

We all woke up a little worse for wear this morning. But it is Joey's birthday and after tea on the Lanai Joey and Kye went to work, John, did work selling houses and shares on fire island http://www.fireislandpines.com/

and then we went shopping for Joey's present from John. John and I sure do talk alot. I clicked with him rather unusually fast. It's not like me at all. Once every ten years or so I find someone I click like that. He does it for me. Hmm.

I learned Jeffrey is not a pet but his husband. Damn.
We made it out o Fashion Valley and back by one o'clock, in time for Birthday lunch. I thought we were only going to have birthday dinner, but its lunch too.. God I am gonna be bigger than the house that I am.

We went to the Plaza in Balboa Park. We had a model good looks waiter.. totally straight and totally working it for the tip. That fine by all of us.

I had amazing Salmon risotto.

I should have gotten the fish tacos but the risotto was very, very good. Oh, and a blood orange cosmotini.. Wow. Good. Joey opened his gifts there.. John gave him an IPOD ,

I gave him a massage certificate by a liscensed masseur /porn star Robert Black http://www.sandiegogaymasseur.com/

... I don't think he needs papers for the porn.. but the massage he does.

If you are at a loss for a gift for me... he will do very nicely.. he is my dream look, a Jewish Gay Masseur with sexually open tendencies...

I love him and yet I don't know him.

I gave Kye one too, for thank you and christmas present. Joey got clothes from Kye( as a cover for the clothes he got for himself... its a smart ploy... I will have to remember it for when I have a spouse.

After this lovely lunch, Kye went back to the office, we went back to the house, hot tubbed and napped then prepped for dinner at Martini's.

There we Met George and his girlfriend( I forget her name.. damn..) Loved them both. Nan.. who was at the other end of the table.. Margie(who always gets Joey to drink ) and her boyfriend. John and I sat by each other and chatted the night away and grilled George on when he is asking the GF to marry him etc.. there were so many topics of conversation.. sex, love, prostates, work, kids, sex, prostates... balloons and song and drink and drink.. I think I hit my new wall.. 4 cosmopolitans. I was loopy. I think we might have gone into the hot tub, but I honestly am blurred in this memory. John offered to switch beds with me so I could stay warm, I told him I would be fine with extra blankets. Again a blur, but we ended up sharing his very warm bed. He was a proper host. The highest body temperature of human in recorded history, but as close to a date as I have had in, um, years.

Joey and Kye gave us the look at us, of seeing the apparent walk of shame in the morning, but there was little to feel guilty about... let them dream more than what occurred. Ha.

Tea, Sun, and aspirin ensued.

Running... running...

2008-01-31T13:03:00.000-05:00

I left last Thursday morning for San Diego. Sister Melissa got the fun of watching Dad. I got a fun gig being a guest celebrity judge of a teen talent competition. Thank you Joey and Kye for the sanity break. I went to Manchester, NH to try that airport out... will definately use that one in the future.. sooooo much easier. No problems getting out to San Diego... got my rental car and all the directions worked out great. I arrived at J and K's. A woman and a man were arriving too.. it was John, a friend of Joey's from NYC and his, whom I discovered, mom. John was going to be a judge too. He was a ball of energy, and so was his mom. I got the inside scoop on them faster than I ever got from anyone else. They held nothing back. She has African Daughters, lots of tattoos, a harley riding husband and likes John best, he was fighting medical companies, has a pet named Jeffrey(later modified that as I got more info.. I thought it was a pet), is an amazing speaker, very professional and a wired bundle of energy. I was a little shell shocked. I thought I was just going to cook and drink and relax, but I got drawn into their world and then dragged out to a very lovely, but overly descriptive restaurant INDIGO. I liked the food... loved the conversation, but was going to stab the help if they talked to us like we were eating food for the first time in our lives. I will not go back there. Joey and Kye showed up at with the boys, then back home to sit in the hot tub overlooking a San Diego ravine and lovely gardens( and a highway in the distance.) It was a fun first night. I lost the toss of the coin( while taing a poo and had to sleep on the air bed. It was cold that night and like sleeping on a cold cloud.. will beg for blankets tomorrow. Where is the friggin balmy weather?

The Gods have smiled

2008-01-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

Its been a whole week and there has been no use of the porto potty in Dad's room. I don't want to jinx things, but if that can continue, it would make my days so much more pleasant. Waking up to the knowledge that I might not have to carry my Dad's poo upstairs to dump and rinse/lather/rinse and repeat... it is huge. The thought, not the poo.
On a totally differnt note, I got called in to audition for a new reality series on CBS. Several thoughts crossed thru... audtion for a reality series? From a casting agency? Seems odd. I say just bring the cameras here to Essex... start filming boys... it ain't pretty.. but it's reality. No one wants to see this... its no D List... P List yes...
Dad is going thru files trying to get me important papers so I can put them in safety deposit box... but in the meantime he is burning the "irrelevant" ones and writing down appointments he thinks he has. So far he has made several appointments for 2007, one in May and one next week(2007). I may have given him too big a task.

Silent Scream

2008-01-13T10:35:00.000-05:00

After two days of searching for suspenders( who, under the age of 75 still wears suspenders?), due to the accidental self pantsing of my father in Periwinkles dining room on the way to the bar, I found some at Macy's.
$20.00 suspenders. Boy, they cornered the market on those puppies.
Anyway, I had to get them, and Dad was paying for them, what do I care? I got one pair to see if they work well and Dad can handle them... if he can, then we get a couple more pairs for whatever pair of pants he decides to wear that morning.
I got home around 7:30pm and told him I found a pair, and then began the struggle of getting them on him. It wasn't him, it was the suspenders that were giving me crap. The flip latches were so stiff, I fought with them for minutes. I told Dad to test them out tomorrow and see if they keep his pants on. I went to bed that night knowing that I did some small good for the world.
No one needs to see Dad, pants around his ankles, a shit eating, surprised grin on his face, and the stunned look of restaurant patrons, mid bite, eyes boog eyed, looking at me for comfort, for distain, for explaination.
I woke up late this morning.
It was such a comfy bed last night... but I woke to a male screaming my name.
I jolted up.
I threw on my clothes wondering who it was.
Gordon with a question, or that he found Dad dead in his chair?
Dad, trying to tell me the house is on fire?
The police department telling me they found Dad in the river, because he tried to get food by driving the truck downtown( I don't feed him stuff he wants.)?
I got downstairs and went calmly into the Studio and found Dad sitting in his chair dressed, with suspenders in hand.
No one had screamed... it was all in my mind.
Thank you Freud.
Dad had had some sort of issue with the suspenders and decided to take them apart... with scissors. The various pieces were in his lap.
I calmly told him, so as not to point out, once again, he did something stupid, and frustrate him, I would look at them in the kitchen in better light. I took the scissors, and suspender bits up to the kitchen. I braced myself against the kitchen counter and tried to breathe deep.
I popped the bread in the toaster oven, water to heat in the microwave, brought his pills down, put his linens in the washing machine and brought his poo pail up to the bathroom to dump and clean in the shower.
In talking through this new scene, I was struck with a vision.
David.
Dad is now David. For some karmic reason, Dad now acts on the same level , with the same OCD issues and close to the brain retention, of David.
I have to work through my issues with David, through Dad. I have to relearn patience. I have to remember limits. I have to acknowledge the silent scream, but know its all in my panicked imagination.
I have to return/exchange the suspenders today to Macy's and feign ignorance of how they got in this condition( like all the lying customers I had to deal with at Williams Sonoma), and hope they will give me a second pair to destroy.

Mr Cranky Pants

2008-01-10T11:23:00.000-05:00

This morning Dad is is Mr. Cranky Pants. Totally understandable... its the third day this week its Thursday, and the second its not Friday. Just doesn't grasp the calender concept anymore. I walk in each morning, give him his meds and then go to the new calender and announce what today's date and day of the week is, and the new word for the day, which is also listed on the page. But it just doesn't stick. An hour later he tells me he is going to tell Gordon that he does not want to go to his regular Friday Periwinkles run at 3:00pm. I remind him, again, today is Thursday. Gordon will be here tomorrow. We'll see in an hour if it takes.
He says he had a toss and turn last night. I ask if it was over anything big, or just his mind wandering. He tells me it got stuck in his mind a decision he made a long time ago that at the time thought was a mistake, but now seems the right decision. I wonder what it was.

Interesting

2008-01-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

Had an interesting conversation with Dad the other day. He had gotten a good evaluation from his eye doctor Dr. Stoler, informing him he does not need to change his prescription. I, personally was surprised by that answer. So, his eyes have not changed, but his vision had... or so I thought.
At Lewis' the other day I asked him , if your prescription has not changed, what do you see has having changed with your vision. He tells me, he can see the words on the page, but something happens in the transfer of info to the brain. His brain doesn't acknowledge them as fast as they used to so it take while for him to figure out what the words mean. Its a slowed synapse time. Hmm.. Interesting.

On another note, I went to Sister C's house to help her paint to try and sell the place. She needs to get out of there. Needs to move on with her life. So , C, Ian and I were painting the back bedroom. I managed to get a friend in real estate to come out and walk thru the house and give us her impressions.
She said, stop painting, don't put another cent into it because it will be a contractor that will buy this house and totally renovate it and turn it into condos. She knows a contractor that is looking for just that type of place right now. She called me 20 minutes after she left and said the contractor is very interested in seeing the property can she bring him by on Monday.
YES.
I called C and told her.
She seemed very excited, but freaked.
Hurry up and wait.
I'll show the house at 1pm for her.
I think it is best, her not being in the house for it. I would love nothing more than for her to get what she is hoping for for a price and for it to sell before it even hits the market, so she will have the embarrassment of riches in being able to choose from a number of options of what to do next. Essex, Oregon, Vt.. buy , rent, float, pay all the bills, clean slate.

Heard a thump

2007-12-31T21:45:00.000-05:00

I went to investigate. Dad was up by the microwave/food area.. the room was very smoky. I asked if everything was alright. I went down to his room. He was trying to find water to put in the wood burning stove because it was a jillion degrees in the room. He couldn't find the water, because today I decided to rearrange the food area closer to the desk and all the clothes in one area on the shelves.
He couldn't find the water.
Smoke was billowing out the stove.
I got the water and we doused it a little, but of course the whole house filled with smoke. Now we are smokey and cold.
My heart is still pounding.
I'm sure it would have been fine had it been a night I was not in the house, but it still scared the crap out of me.
This opens up a whole new realm of concern I thought we had checked.
It's still technically 2007...
This is the last beginning...
Now we are to move on to endings in 2008.
Hopefully not fiery, flaming endings, but endings.

2008 Desires

2007-12-31T20:30:00.000-05:00

Looking back on the hopes I had for 2007 on this blog, I realized I accomplished numbers 2, 3 4, which ended up a 5, 7 and then 13 in reverse. Not as hopeful as I had wished. I didn't wish hard enough I guess.
For 2008 the following will be goals.

1) Lose the 10 I meant to lose but gained, then lose another 5.

2)Move more, eat less

3) Find the humor in taking care of Dad

4)Continue to enjoy helping out with the Gold Dust Orphans.

5) Be more social .

6)Maybe find a part time job, if life with Dad permits me.

7) Take a class?

8)Continue to gut the house.

9)Ask for help when I need it.

10)Work on Joey's quilt I promised him.

11)Move to San Diego(but we all know what that would entail)

12)Find the desire for sex or even flirting again.

13)Indulge in my happiness when I need it... because I deserve it.

14)Be in the moment when with Dad.

15)Be happy when I can

These are all reachable goals in 2008.

May everyone elses 2008 be even better than my great 2008 will be.
All the important people of the world say odd years are for beginnings, but even years are for completions. You complete me 2008. Please. I pray you will complete what I began in 2007, 2005, 2003 and 2001. Thank You.

Nope

2007-12-30T19:21:00.000-05:00

Besides the fact I took a nap and now have no desire to go out in the cold, I don't want the first time I see friends and more importantly, Amanda, is potentally in the midst of Ms. Mediocre. I don't want to make anyone apoplectic(ap). My time to make Tedi squirm will be in court, which by the way, she has mere days to respond to the state of Massachusetts' Inspector from MCAD. At last information, no one from WS had responded to the official inquiry.Tick Tick Y'all.

Don't You Know Who I Am???

2007-12-27T09:30:00.000-05:00

I used to be someone... even if only in my delusional mind. Now I clean the port o potty. I abhor the port o potty. It sneaks up on you.... the geck of it all. This is what will wear me down the fastest. I still hold on to the promise that there will be a brick to the back of the head before I change a diaper. We are one small step for mankind away from that awful. The case of Poise's are under the bed. Poise... like it is inferring poise and grace when one is wearing an adult diaper.

Splitting Pills, Breaking Bread

2007-12-26T19:53:00.000-05:00

I sit here, on Boxing Day, Having just poured a drink and confident when I say Christmas this year was a suckfest. It was not Christmas, at all. The tree and all ornaments are packed away, the garland is back in its box thrown in the barn.
This morning I woke up to, once again the dream of tornados coming my way. Yesterday's dream of a Jewish love song, was a one timer. The tornados are a constant.
I was in a good and proactive mood. I made my list of what to do, went down and saw Dad. Made toast he didn't eat, gave him pills, poured some juice for him, emptied and cleaned the port a potty, went out into the world and did my errands, food shopping, turn in Dad's lotto tickets where he won $300.00 and it turned out we counted wrong, it was $500.00.
I think Dad was happy about that. He told me to keep it, its my money. I told him no, its his money, Santa gave it to him.
Cleaned the porto again.( not up for the two stairs are we ?)
I called his doctor to see if they sent his prescriptions to CVS.
No.
Can I get them sent please?
We'll try.
Everyone is on vacation.
Um, then how can I get Dad's meds?

I drove C to the airport to go to Oregon. She will move there.. sooner rather then later for her sanity and happiness... and I encourage her ,but I will be very sad. Very Sad.
I drove home talking on the phone to Judy, who is staying at the Vermont abode, to see how she is doing. I am happy to hear she is loving it and wants to buy it. I'm not selling it, but she wants to buy it. She also wants to go into business with me. Nice to feel wanted.
Went to the CVS to pick up Dad's pills. They are holding them hostage. It's under my name and my insurance is no longer since I have left work. I tried explaining they are not for me, I called them in. They don't have a listing of Dad in their files. How can they not have him there? He has been getting meds there for 25 years.
Do I have his health care card?
No, he does.
I go home.

Dad refused all food all day.
Beside the point. We searched for 45 minutes for it. We can't find it. It must have been left behind at Dr. Smiths.
Dammit.
So I poured myself a drink, am gutting the picture box. no need for duplicates, negatives and 45 pictures of the same child's birthday, when one will do. Then I will split all his pills. That should be fun.
This day started so well.

To Life, to life, L'chai-im

2007-12-25T12:05:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 5:37am to a start... hearing in my mind a song from Fiddler on the roof- To Life, to life, L'chai-im.
A) 5:37am?
B) A Song with Jewish tones on Christmas morning?
C) I think it was my brother David coming from the other side and saying, hey, remember, its my big day.. I love this holiday.. make it good.. and don't forget my birthday tomorrow either.
D) It definately was the original soundtrack from the Broadway show. The album that David and I listened to endlessly as children in our brown plaid room. That, and Iron Butterfly's In the Garden of Eden(which I thought until just very recently was Inna Godda Da Vida . No one corrected me.) But then what 7 year old goes arond singing Iron Butterfly. Ok, me, but no one corrected me.
At 5:39 I heard a loud thump. I lay there thinking, hmm, could be Dad, falling out of his bed, falling down going to the bathroom, falling.
What do I do?
Several minutes later I get out of bed, go downstairs, peek through the curtain.
He is asleep.
Good.
But who fell, or what made that noise?
I woke up again at 9:45am with it in my mind I am boxing up all the Christmas crap. It wasn't Christmas this year, therefore its not sticking around. Coming down today and tonight begins a reorganizing. Of my house, my mind, my crap.
Dad and I opened gifts. We liked the stuff. Nuf said.

Stop me if you've heard this one before...

2007-12-24T17:58:00.000-05:00

I woke up angry today.
My first few responses to Dad's repetition in asking me if I called Dr. Smith for another round of meds for me.
I told him no. I don't need it. It takes time to work. I don't need a second dose. I will continue to cough for a few days.

He's still coughy.

Second day, no food for him... stop me if you've heard this before.

I did go out and shop for a Christmas meal.
Since B and B worked so well for me the other night in stopping the coughing, I picked up a bottle for Dad and I to sip. I made him Chicken a la King on toast( from a can) and just handed it to him. He ate it. Ha.
I then offered him some B and B. He was very surprised how good it was and how warm it made him and it stopped his coughing.
I have now started him down the path of B and B drinking.... what have I done????I pour of course, and keep the bottle in the kitchen.
I reminded him all day that we were going over to Paul and Sally's party tonight when we would bring their fruitcake and snacks. At 5, however, I reminded him again and he asked, "When?" I said "Tonight, you, me and Lowell are going over to Paul and Sally's."
"No."
"Oh... OK."
Oh well, I tried.
Its not Christmas this year. I didn't buy anything, send anything, nothing.
All the decorations I put up just don't do it for me this year.
I do have Boeuf Bourguignon I took out of the oven an hour ago, to be served tomorrow over biscuits. MMMMM

Heads up Clean Mother

2007-12-23T09:28:00.000-05:00

Just so you have a heads up, 9am, still in bed.. in NOOOOOO mood to be social. As he said, "you take Clean Mother out on my money to lunch, if you want, I am not feeling up to being social."
Well, you get a new nickname, and the warning he is not in the mood. Very down today. I think he was up all night mulling going to lunch and decide sometime in the dark hours not to go. I am getting him into cleanish clothes, he is eating toast( he still has the cough) and we'll see what the morning brings.
Two days, trying to get around to paying a bill, filing some paperwork and assign fruitcakes to friends and family(haha), but nothing has been done. Just a warning.

ah....

2007-12-22T11:02:00.000-05:00

The show went well. I was more pleased than I had anticipated. But there is work to be done. Getting my voice( thank you illness) back so I can scream properly. Stop coughing and find my own way into the character. I can't be Mego. I have to find my own angle. It will come. Next week. Last night was get thru it. Tonight will be improve upon it. Next weekend will be, kick it outta the park. Making nuts for the gang, gotta keep it short here.
Dad is kafluffled. He still has a cough and wants to pay bills now. I told him I wanted to oversee it until we both know that he can, post stroke.Lots of shredded papers around the room. is he trying to open letters? paperwork, is he mad, is he unaware? I can see he is getting frustrated with the overseeing. I'm doing it as unobtrusively as I can, but he's a grown up, I can see why he is getting annoyed at my hovering. I just want him to be safe. Shoes went on the right way today. pants/jammies didn't but.. one small step for Dad, one giant step... ok, no giant step here.. just a small step and it probably won't stick.
hmm, what for lunch. Mom's recipe for meatballs. yum.

Nichette Redux

2007-12-21T15:04:00.000-05:00

Enough about Dad... back to me dammit. Ok, for the record, Dad is a little off center today, a little resigned that this is his life, that he will require help, but I think happy its from me. He still insists on putting his shoes on the wrong feet and today he managed to get his flannel lined jeans inside out, backwards AND upside down. To walk into the room and see a big plaid print, the crotch at the feet and his legs in the leg holes all the way up. Now thats talent and determination.
But back to me. Tonight I open up taking over for the phenomenal and loud Mego Bucks in Ryan Landry's fun fun show, Silent Night of the Lambs. It shall be a homage to Nichette, a character I played years ago with the Gold Dust Orphans, that I loved. I hope it is well received, or at the very least, I don't suck wind mightily. I'll let you know.
Cough is getting better, slowly, but still sound like a TB patient. Dad is starting to get the cough.. I hope that it falls away, like his utensils at dinner time.
Chat later.

A good day in the neighborhood

2007-12-19T20:34:00.000-05:00

Dad and I had a really good day. He had an appointment with Dr. Smith this morning. except for the fact that he had his underwear on backwards, his shoes on the wrong feet and only a half shaved face, he was in good spirits. Dr. Smith was in a good mood too and both got along. I then asked if he wanted to go to one of his favorites hangouts for lunch, Lewis'. He said yes. Really? Wow.. ok, lets go. so we went, saw Roberta, had lunch and went home. He did well walking with his cane. He had a Physical Therapy session at 3pm today too.. did well there. He is eating, walking and in better spirits. This is very good. Got meds for my, now diagnosed Bronchitis. This should make it fun to perform this weekend. Next weekend will go smoother... I just want to stop friggin coughing. Last night went to Windsor's fantastic apartment to rehearse our scenes with him. I feel a little better. Scared I won't be getting a rehearsal with the cast...ys. once you get cast as an understudy, you will always do it. I did so many years of it in NYC and abroad. Scares the crap outta me every time, and it has been a decade since I've done it, but I will muddle thru this weekend and then feel comfortable. Windsor will be taking a piece of my furniute I have been trying to get rid of too.. Yea.. I might be able to see a wall in this hell hole of antiques. Ghosts be gone.

This is a disjointed entry. Sorry.. just wanted to get info out while it was in my brain.

Extra Pieces with a capital P

2007-12-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

During the search for the glasses game I also noticed that Dad, in an act of confusion( forgetting I put an easier to reach remote) couldn't turn the light on his desk on. He therefore took it apart and cleaned and tested all the pieces and put it back together again. Of course, there were extra pieces, namely the turn switch and a bolt of some sort. I shall fix this tomorrow.... if I can.

On a side note: theres missing the toilet, hitting some of the seat and such, making a splattery mess, and then there is making a puddle on the floor with a completely dry toilet. The latter is what I noticed today.

These new issues are coming fast and furious. Unlike Dad, who is slow and furious.

Not your Mothers Easter Egg Hunt

2007-12-16T14:09:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke to the pflegm of a lifetime, the crud that Windsor and all the others seem to have in the cast of Lamb's. I fell out of bed at 8:30am and wandered down to Dad's room. He was fully dressed( looks like all the clothes are on the right direction) and sittng in his blue chair, looking like he was waiting for the day to begin. I looked twice at him... something is different.
"Where are your glasses Dad?"
"Oh, I'm not sure, around here someplace ."
The search begins.
Not on the desk, blue chair, or table next to it. Not on the bed, in the pocket of his sweater from yeaterday. Not in the microwave. not in the fridge. Under the bed, in the washing machine, bathroom, shelf or lights.
Not in the stove, wood box or kindling box.
Not in his desk drawers, behind the tv, in the vcr or closet. Not behind the bed, under the bed or in the bed. I dismantled the bed, thinking maybe it fell in.. nothing, but did manage to to avoid a future disaster. The bed was held together by one screw. If it weren't my Dad's bed, I would insert a joke there.
During this one and a half hour search, I noticed he had cut his hair. It looked pretty good. That realization led to a series of questions of what order did you get ready for your haircut,. etc.. and we realized the glasses were on a shelf with the hair cut attachments. Found them.
After that Egg hunt, I decided I needed to shovel before it turned to ice.
2 hours later I was drenched with sweat and tired.
Noon.
Lunchtime. I made us grilled bacon and cheese sandwiches and asparagus.
He ate it all.
During this, we talked.
I asked how he was.
He said" in Limbo"
"What does that mean to you?"
"I don't know, just out of sorts."
"OK, you're allowed."
I glanced over at the calender that I had recorded his hospital stay and rehab time and how many weeks he was gone and saw that all the pages had been ripped out, I guess in anger.
He's sad, He's mad.
I get it. I can't fix it, but I get it.

Flames, Flames.. Seethng... Heat(Thank You Madeline Kahn)

2007-12-16T13:06:00.000-05:00

I had been looking forward to going to a Christmas party on Friday all week, and when the day finally came, my sister M was willing to stay over night to keep an eye on Dad while I did the show. It also freed me up to go to the party if I wanted to as well. My nephew Justin came to visit Dad too.. He was in from the Portland, Oregon area. When it came time for me to make my way to Boston, I asked Justin if he wanted to go to Boston to see the show. He surprisingly said yes. So we made our way to Boston. Halfway there I realized I messed up slightly. That I forgot the party that I had said yes to. I called and made my apologies and went on with the show. Justin brought his ex, Casey to the show. Both loved the show. After the show, he told me he was going to stay in the city for the night. Hey, this worked out really well.
So, Justin and I said our goodbyes, and I went on to the party. I called my sister and let her know Justin was not coming home tonight and that I was making a quick stop at the party. She was ok with it, but said we needed to talk when I got home.
I asked what about.
She was silent.
About Dad who is sitting right there?
Yes, we'll talk later.
Now a thousand things are filing through my brain. It wasn't serious enough for her to say it in front of him or get me home but...
I go to the party, have a glass of wine, that wipes me out.... I'm such an amateur now. One week. Holy Crap.
Then home to M and my Dad.
M explains to me that Dad is really unsafe with the wood burning stove now... not that he ever was but even more so now with another stroke. He is placing his arms all the way in to work on the fire and his sweater is dangerously close to the fire. She panics and tells him not to do that... his walls start to go up.
He doesn't like to be told what to do. Who does?
So M and I discuss.
I throw out the questions of, what are our options?
Do we talk to him and see if it sticks?
Do we take over the responsibility of tending to the fire? Is that reasonable?
How is that possible?
Do we take out the woodburning stove? Is this reasonable?
How do we get the room warm enough if we do?
The heating system down there is crap. That stove is his life.... he loves that thing, it keeps him going, knowing that the fire needs tending.
The following morning, Dad and I have a casual conversation about the topic. I bring it up several times with different approaches, trying to see what makes him mad, what doesn't.M listening to us from the other side of the curtain/door. When second sis, C, arrives to exchange Christmas gifts, the three of us chat. Its just not logical to remove the stove, its not even practical to deny him the ability to use the stove. The only reasonable solution, and it is not really a solution is to stoke it when one can, but watch and listen for when he does and just stay close.
Sister M left for home. I needed a nap. Sister C hung out with Dad while I napped.
When I woke, she conveyed her thoughts on her time with him. He doesn't seem to remember fully how to work the stove. Closes the flue when it should be opened, filling the room with smoke etc...
We discussed smoke detectors. We had them, but they were taken out, and if they were put back in, they would be going off every 45 minutes because of Dad's using the stove. Hmm. What to do.

Visiting Nurse

2007-12-13T21:02:00.000-05:00

Visiting nurse came by in this awful snow storm to check up on dad and ask all sorts of questions.She wanted to see how he was doing, what meds he is on.. etc.
His Coumadin level was 2.1. Perfect.
He was asked alot of questions about his stay in rehab.. why and how long.. other stays , operations etc.. He was totally oblivious to this last one.. Does not know why he was in this last time, how long he was there, which one he was in. He doesn't remember the stroke, or the intestinal blockage.
I could see his walls going up as more questions were asked because it was showing how unaware he was/ thus helpless.
I tried to deflect.. to make funny.
To answer.
This saddened me.
The nurse did say we had a great set up and seemed to work well together and he jokingly, again, called me his parole officer.
Yeah, like its a prison.
I'm keeping you alive.
Poo head.
I felt a pain in my stomach when the nurse in parting told him he is in great shape and he'll be around for years to come.
Kill me.

9:06am

2007-12-13T09:05:00.000-05:00

Its been nearly 24 hours. What an interesting 24. I picked up Dad yesterday from Dadhab at 11am. He was all ready to go and happy to get away from his roomate Charlie, who was a royal pain in the ass. Even got Dad to the breaking point of threatening violence if he didn't shut the Fuck up. That takes alot. Never heard it before in my life, Dad threatening violence. He put on his phantom sweater and we went to the car.So, I got him home. He was soooooo happy to finally be home. No time frame for his sickness, how long he was in and out of hospital. On the way home, we had a conversation about what docs said about drinking and if he still had the desire to stop. It's better for him to not drink and docs recommend it, but he is an adult, so its his choice. He said, he's ok with not drinking. Wow.
I got a fire started in the wood burning stove. He sat in his big chair. I asked if he wanted some water or Coke or Sprite.
He said he was just thinking about it. Can I make him a Rum and Coke, a short one?
Yes , I can make you a Rum and Coke.
I am not going to try and stop this. So much has been taken from him. If he wants a damn drink.. if it gets him through the day.. Fine. Whatever. Carpe Diem.
So, Sis and I go out for lunch, laugh and mull over what is to come next. Some appropriate, some not.
I go home, finish gutting and purging the art patterns from the drawers of bureaus. It feels so good to be done with that. Now to organize what is left and mail out to family what need to be mailed.
Dad is loudly watching tv as i got to my room.
7:30pm he heads to bed.
Later that night I hear him rustling around. Its his first night home.. who knows what is going thru his mind. I decide to sleep on the sofa outside his bedroom door.. just to hear if he needs anything on his first night. He slept through until 7:30 am. Wow. When I went down to his room, I expected the worst but hoped for the best. He was completely covered in his blanket. Cold because the heat went out in the stove. I started the stove again and put a space heater in the room.. He didn't stir. After about 5 minutes, he began to move around. A sigh of relief from my brain. He made it through the night and was better for it. He asked me if I painted the room. LOL... it took 24 hours.. but he noticed. Good.
Intially he started to get dressed. Forgot his underwear and the jeans were inside out. I caught him and suggested he wear underwear, as I turned the pants right side out, changing them out for his blue jammie pants. He then got up and walked without walker up the 2 stairs to the bathroom. All went well. Test 2 passed. He went down the stairs well too.
The garage door is open to let his friend Gordon know he is home... come visit. He has had his cereal and I hear him trimming his nails. 24 hours and he's still alive. Yea. I'm tired.

Gutting, Purging and Burning

2007-12-11T11:04:00.000-05:00

For the last two days I have been finally really going through all the art in the house.. all the samples and theorems that have been haunting the house since 1986. They were my Grandmother's. She was a fantastic artist and teacher. As a woman , mother and grandmother, I hear the vote is still out but... artist... she was good at.
However when she died in 1986, my mother took on the burden of trying to sell the thousands of pieces or art and samples. She preserved some, donated to museums, and then began the guilt of not knowing what to do next. She died never releasing that guilt. Now I have it, and I will not let it do the same to me. All the siblings and cousins have been offered the stuff.. They have taken what they want.
The rest remains. I tried selling it. Nothing. I tried donating it. Nothing.
I have now created 3 piles. One for each of Grandmother's daughter's family's. I am dividing the good stuff up into 3 piles and mailing it out. The rough stuff, the test patterns the samples, they are going. Gone, Goodbye.
Last night it was easier with a drink to throw them out. This morning, sober, moving on to the 3rd of 10 drawers of stuff, it is more daunting. But I will not stop. I am not the next generation's museum keeper.
Off to visit Dad and buy supplies for him to come home tomorrow. A new adventure begins.

Questions from the judges

2007-12-10T10:13:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I haven't written in over 2 weeks.. I think. well lets recap. Dad. Hosptial. Dad Rehab. Dad stroke.Dad hospital. Dad Dehab. Dad to come home on Weds. I to not look for work. I to care for Dad. First weekend of shows. Silent Night of the Lambs. Boston. Machine. Stage crew. Elf in opening scene. Nanny Michael Jackson in a following scene. Me. No alcohol for a week. Me. Cleaning the garage. Can get car in garage. Me. Scared about losing what little life I have when Dad comes home on weds.

Dad has, apparently, apraxia...(sp) its the amazing backward man.. He can see the labels on his clothes but 45 minutes later with struggling, he can't help but put his clothes on backwards. He can go to the bathroom on his own now. Still doesn't eat a whole lot.. but then, never did.

Got an open ended job offer from ex Joey in San Diego to work for him. I told him as long as Dad is alive, I can't . when he dies. Yes. I think I will take him up on it and move out there and see if west coast would be a good change. Already dream shopping for property or apartments. property out there is crap.. not at all my style. The loft like apartments are more me. So, it looks like I would rent for a while before considering buying.. and would give me time to see if I like it out there enough to stay. Maybe I should go out there and mount Ryans shows out there. Thoughts run in my head.

Had an odd face to face with Sharon? The woman who I think I might have taken the girl in the well part from. I told Ryan I didn't want to take something from someone, happy with crew, but he insisted. I am happy to have gotten it. But she comes up to me, just stares , stone faced and then puts her hand out and introduces herself. I tell her I believe I have seen her in Orphan shows before. Told her I liked her work. We did the nicies and then went our way, never acknowledging we knew about each other and the Filene thing. I feel judged. I am sure it is just my now slightly fragile, from lack of use, confidence that is getting the best of me. This too shall pass.

Oh, questions I got from a friend regarding my taking full care of Dad.

Will he ever make a full mental and physical recovery?

Is the house condusive to convalescent care?

Can you afford not to return to work?

Are you a professional health care provider?

If I answered no to any of these, I should seriously consider other options, he said.

A) He wasn't at full mental or physical before the blockage and stroke.

B)The house is a safe space for him. He knows where everything is in his studio apartment. But besides that the asbestos/leadpaint, my hate of cleaning, the wood burning stove, keys to the truck nearby, booze under his desk, and stairs may cause issues :-)

C)Dad and I have agreed that he would need help either way. Pay me, and you have an inhouse wet nurse.

D)In no way what so ever , am I a professional health care worker. But he trusts me, I think, and is not so trusting of professionals. I would rather have a happy/content sick dad for a short time than a long lingering bitter man.

I understand the questions and why they were posed. It just put another layer of panic on the already daunting task before me.

For all I know, it will be a walk in the park and he could kick it next week and all this worrying will be for naught. If it's not, and he is around for another 10 years, we will have to revise the plan.

Gorillas in a Cage

2007-11-28T11:03:00.000-05:00

Dad is a miracle of science. On monday morning he had the use of one side of his body only. They wash his brain and an hour later, he can lift both legs, talk coherently, and use both hands. Ok, so he was trying to hand my sister a phantom pair of gloves, and eating imaginary food. He told us yesterday he remembers nothing but had a great dream that he was in a cage with gorillas . ok..
Just got a call from his social worker. Basically his recovery is miraculous. He did have a stroke, but his motor function is as good or better than before and his meds are balanced out, and he moves back to rehab this afternoon to get him strong enough to come back home.
good lord, he's like a Bumble... he's bounces. Back from the brink again.

Stroke Two

2007-11-26T18:05:00.000-05:00

He stroked out this morning and was rushed to Beverly hospital. He was gone through several phases through the day. Incapacitated, to lucid , to foggy, to delusional, to cranky, back to delusional. Another long step back. Tomorrow lots of tests and to see what is going on inside his brain.

No, seriously, I can't understand why I am gaining weight.

2007-11-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

This is a fully complete meal. Every food group is represented... White, Beige, Ecru and Brown. What. There is also cranberry slathered under the open faced cheese covered turkey salad sandwich. They have tons of anti-oxidants. What.

The Emperor's New Clothes

2007-11-25T10:32:00.000-05:00

Ok... its Dad's new room color... used to be white( caked with soot from the wood burning stove..) now its.. um.. tan? green? greentan? I can't tell. Melis decied the color. Said it was most old housey

Silent Night of the Lambs

2007-11-25T09:34:00.000-05:00

Very happy that I just got cast in Ryan Landry's Boston revival of Silent Night of the Lambs. I am playing little parts forthe first two weeks, then get bumped up to a slightly bigger cameo role for the last two weeks. Can't give away the part surprise, but my Mom is being played by Aphrodite and I carry a dog. Hope its as fun in real life as it is in my mind.

Dad is doing well at Dadhab. He is eating a little more... nothing earth shattering ,but small strides and he is doing his daily physical therapy.

Painted his room yesterday. That should give him reason to be grumpy.. I think I shall blame it on a sister or deny that the room color has changed, just to fuck with his mind.LOL

Dadhab

2007-11-23T16:49:00.000-05:00

Well, we learned on Tuesday of this week that Dad was being transferred to a rehab place in Beverly that afternoon. Hurry up and wait already. Geez. So he got moved to a pretty good place.. not as good as the last rehab, but much better than the first.... we sadly can compare rehabs now. He was moved in and Chris and I got lost for an hour trying to find the damn place. People giving directions can be horrible sometimes. If you don't know where it is, don't fake it. Same with the G Spot.... but thats a conversation for another time.

So every day I go there once, maybe twice and see him for a bit. Had a meeting on Wednesday with his social worker. She says they will all have a meeting on Tuesday and decide how he is doing and when he can go home. He has to do his physical therapy and get strong.

So Thanksgiving was a quiet one. I cooked like he was going to be here. I brought his desserts by in the morning and decided to bring his dinner too.. but later in the day. He was sleeping when I got there with his dinner around 3pm.

He had a bad night the night before because his roomate, Charlie was having a tough night and they didn't medicate him til 2 am. Dad is moody... understandibly.

He didn't eat his dinner I brought him and gave away his desserts. Whatever.

It is friday and all chidren went to visit. I continue to paint the house and decorate for my party on friday night. Maybe he'll be home, maybe he won't. Either way the party is being held.

I decided to paint his room while he is gone. I have lowered it down to a couple colors. It could piss him off greatly, but it distracts me from the painting that I should be doing..... Finishing the trim in the bubblegum pink room, doing touch ups of the front hall( now sans lighting because the wiring went haywire). W go in our circles.

David Dunn still hasn't delivered our cord of wood. New thing to piss me off. He might get misplaced anger sent his way. I call it theraputic.

Dadshead Revisited

2007-11-19T19:41:00.000-05:00

Ok.. so I went to visit him this morning. He had just finished his physical therapy. Was worn out. They made him walk to the nurses station( 40 feet away) and down the corridor. They asked him to go up stairs and he turned to them and said " Are you crazy?" and refused. They sat him down and did PT on his right knee.. it has totally seized up and is giving him more trouble than ever. Hewas in bed when I saw him. He had just spray painted the bathroom with his ass and they were in the gross process of cleaning it up. He says he had 4 bites of oatmeal( read that as I ate 1 bite and moved the food around). I came back in the afternoon with some Periwinkles Chowder, that he loves. He refused to eat or even look at it. I got it from Daddy Day care too, with a personal note. He made me take it home. He turned down a 2nd and 3rd Pt appointment. He has no appetite, no energy and not a whole lot of real desire to try to get out of there either. His belly looks full and tight... something that someone who hasn't eaten in a week shouldn't be showing.This is concerning to us. Sis' say this is reminescent( sp ) of Mom when her cancer moved to her liver. She lost her appetite, stomach hurt and stopped fighting. She lasted a few weeks after that. I will be asking docs and nurses more detailed questions tomorrow, with the help of Melis and her medical friends.
I gotta tell you.. you don't get all the information unless you ask or corner the professionals. You must fight for your rights and his rights and protect. This could all be a big worry for nothing and its just gas, but I'd rather ask and be wrong than not ask and find out after an autopsy.
So... instead of doing important things like looking for employment or cleaning the house, I delusionally decorate the house for Dad's and my Christmas Party on the 30th and sell crap on ebay. I sold a teacup for $17.00. Good , right?
Oh, and I carbo load and drink Grey Goose. Yeah, thats the vice part.

Next?

2007-11-18T22:20:00.000-05:00

Setting up the Christmas tree and garlands around the house, moving furniture in preparation for the Christmas party on the 30th. Meanwhile, Dad remains in the hospital and will be there probably a couple days more. He seems resigned to the fact he is not strong enough to sit on his own or go the bathroom without assistance. He may be going through Dt's and has told the doctors that he has no desire to drink when he gets out of there. I think that was a bold faced lie just to try to get out of there sooner rather than not at all. We are all very silent. We just don't have as much fight in as us the last time. I think because the last time ended up 6 weeks and was so all encompassing. Just the possibility of anything close to that sucks the life out of us.. or at least me. I did learn interesting news, or factoid... that an alcoholic, when taken off the drink, becomes a weakling.. loses all energy. Alcohol acts as an energy boost. That mght be why he is so helpless. He still doesn't eat much. at all. This is all so sad and draining. Selfless seems such an impossible hurdle. I feel like a bad person because I just don't want to. There goes that Nobel nomination.

I Take it back

2007-11-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

Delirium as has set in, or maybe DT's and we can't tell which.. or just plain old panic. Been playing phone tag with his substitute Doc about his issues and why he didn't , in fact go home today.. he was faking eating and felt alot of discomfort. Dad is pissed and wants to come home. Sister C hit her caretaker wall today. It's ok ..... we all get there. I hit mine last spring. Sister M is proactive and hospital savvy and makes me ask all the right questions, ( that I would not have thought to ask..) Tomorrow I run home and see Dad at the hospital, both sis' will be there.. and hopefully we will evaluate what needs to happen next. This might be the fast slide down,, or it might bejust a bump. Too soon to tell. Sister's think it's the fast slide. I fear it is only a bump. Did I mention I am the proxy? Hard to give life and death answers when travelling over Vermont mountains drunk with senior citizens in the back seat, and bad phone reception.

Who wants an Egg and OJ?

2007-11-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

According to my sister, who heard from my other sister who is sitting next to Dad, Dr. Karol says if he can keep down his breakfast, he can go home at 3pm. WooHoo. What the hell is stuck in there? I am guessing that the Doc's are scared to go in an operate so they would rather hope that it is going to pass through. Thats fine.. maybe it will. It better.

Tube Free Nose

2007-11-16T17:27:00.000-05:00

He has turned a good corner. After one night in the hospital, with a tube down his nose to his stomach to drain the stomach, and catscans and xrays, IV and other tubes, Dr. Karol had the tube taken out, and thinks, if the block starts to move by tomorrow he might be able to go home without surgery. Yea. If it doesn't move, then surgery will have to happen. That is not the route we want to take, if at all possible.
On a funny? note, I got to Vermont a few minutes ago, and the mouse traps that had been set, 4 of them, in the kitchen.... none had mice. One was missing and one had been chewed to a pulp within moments of not being able to recognize it. I totally need a cat here. I got pics and will post them as soon as I get back to Ma. Eeeewwwww.

He's Back...

2007-11-15T21:42:00.000-05:00

in the hospital. He apparently has a blockage in his intestine. He is in relatively good spirits given the situation. Luckily he doesn't remember any of his last 1 month stay. But as sis says, he has a very fragile eco system and the more the doctors fool around with it, the dicier it will be. Dr. Karol will be looking after him again. She saved him the last time. She is a brilliant doctor and surgeon, lacking in people skills, but I guess thats the trade off.
He is getting cranky though.. you can see it in his demeanor, he is getting a little panicky. It's subtle, but its there.
I feel myself going into the zone.
The hospital zone.
Tunnel focus and filter out all unnecessary things until he is back home.
It's a weird space.
It's a protecting place but not a happy place.
Lets hope he passes the block so he can just come home. Because if he has to have surgery, all bets are off on the outcome.
Painful but true.
Off to see him tomorrow morning then to Vermont where I promised to work for a friend hosting a show and back on sat night or sunday morning. Rather not go, but .....

Great Day for Omaha Steaks

2007-11-14T17:58:00.000-05:00

Day two from what I can gather of Dad's hunger strike of sorts. he won'tt eat and goes to the bathroom frequently to make himself throw up. I told him if he still takes his meds as usual but doesn't eat ot drink, his system will be thrown off. I managed to convince him that if he is still feeling punk tomorrow we need to go over to Beverly Hospital to check that everything is ok.. not to go to Dr. Smith, he will just make appointements with various doctors for next week.

He agreed. I reminded him throughout the day. It sunk in.

Then his birthday gift arrived from family. a case of Omaha steaks and stuff.

Valerie Plame has nothing on me

2007-11-13T23:32:00.000-05:00

I just finished sitting in the dark, outside my Dad's bathroom listening to my Dad's bowel movements and then him making himself sick, to try and purge whatever is making him feel sick, out of his system. More caring individuals might have rushed in to save the day. I only sit in the dark.... listening. Is this a bump? or a slide?

Other than that Mrs. Lincoln....

2007-11-13T20:44:00.000-05:00

....how was the play?

I got back from a couple days in Vermont, setting up the tree and seeing if I can catch some mice. One down 200 to go...lol.. but seriously, when I got there there was a completely empty cellophane bag of tube pasta on the floor. They ate an entire bag. Wow. Then I got into bed in the guest room in the dark and scared the crap out of myself. Something moved under me. I reached for the light switch. I looked. A bed full of seeds and Pasta, and scampering under the bed. I went downstairs... freaked out. I went to open the futon to sleep by the fire. I removed the pillows from the futon and found more pasta. I slept on the sofa that night.

In the morning I went to get my slippers. Stuck a foot in and freaked thinking it was a mouse. Nope. Pasta. This might answer why the phone upstairs was eaten. I need to borrow a cat.

I have been totally bipolar in emotion and inspiration these days. Happy that I was able to get some unemployment, but hateful that I have to resort to it. I never liked the concept, but I have to keep money going into the till so I can pay for the Vermont house, until I get back on my feet again.

I have been helping my sister paint and stage her house for sale, and for 24 hours it inspires me to do more work on my house, then I go back to the computer and search for jobs, submit resumes and follow up. etc. etc. etc.

I had a cold or virus last week and am finally, I think over it, but now Dad has something going on. He has been under the weather for a few days, but he had a bad night last night. Woke up having to rush( as best he could) to the bathroom for emergency runs.... for the runs. His belly hurts and he burps up after going to the bathroom. He now hasn't eaten in 24 hours or so, to try and get out of his sytstem whatever is making him feel bad.

His new thing of today is to make himself throw up to empty his stomach in an attempt to feel better. He told me that he spit up black pea looking things... I told him that it might be blood.. don't make yourself throw up... do you want me to make an appointment with Dr. Smith?( full well knowing the answer).

I realize his first and foremost fear these days is ending up back in the hospital, and going to a doctor will, in his mind, be the first slide back into that world. He would rather die of unknown causes than get a diagnosis and have to go through treatment or just end up in the hospital.

What to do , what to do.

On the distraction side, I go to Vermont this weekend to host Livingroom Arts in Norwich for Sue Haefner who is working on A Christmas Carol. November 30th will be a Christmas party at my house in MA. It will inspire me to continue painting and cleaning. Maybe.

In his loops

2007-10-25T12:56:00.000-04:00

I don't know what inspired it, but Dad was uber chatty and totally in his loops. I think I heard every story from the last 4.5 years this morning. He started by telling me he was up all night worried he told me the wrong year for the truck when I was looking it up in the Blue Book. When he woke up this morning he went out to the truck to confirm in his mind he was not wrong. It was indeed 1996. Then it transitioned to him buying the previous truck in 1986, the blue and silver one, and how the transmission went on it and he could only drive forward and not back. So he got the new one, the present one. But hopefully we will sell it soon( thats my hope, not necessarily his).

He then went into hoping David Dunn will drop off the 2nd cord of wood soon, then transitioned to Kay, whose sister and husband live down the street from us. The husband was the one that had an attack when driving in front of the house a couple years ago and drove into the telephone pole. He would see Kay at Lewis' along with her "friend" Leonard the Hairdresser. He was a mean mean drunk, probably still is. I can't imagine what he could be hiding. Not. He took a shining to me and always sat next to me when at Lewis' and liked talking to me. Oy.

Then dad's mind transitioned to Kay working for the Chamber of Commerce and she was the one who got Dad to buy the raffle tickets that he got for all the family a few years back. He went on to I need to take the mustard and ketchup up to the big fridge, since he won't be using them. I open the fridge, take them, move them.

He tells me he finished the lamb Chris brought up to him a few days back, then on to the daily offer of did I want to go to lunch today. It was 10 am in the morning. I told him I would mull it over. Its hard to think about lunch before one has had their morning caffeine.

There were several other plotline stories, but before tea, it doesn't stick in my mind, I guess as equally as it does still stick in his.

Turning... part Deux

2007-10-23T11:15:00.000-04:00

Holy Crap. Dad sat me down this morning and said he wanted to talk. I thought it was gonna be about David Dunn and him not bringing the second cord of wood, or his rehashing of some info that keeps looping in his brain.

He said he thinks it silly for us to hold onto the truck. He said he only uses it to go down to the bank( right,..... he's not supposed to be driving at all, bank my ass), but hasn't used it since I got back from my summer in Vermont. Damn right he hasn't.

He said it would be a thorn out of our side to get rid of it... that Paul wants it, and Ernie wants it, so why not make a few bucks and have one less worry.

Well.... thats one reason I could accept for going out to lunch. I am getting so sick of going out to lunch in Essex.

The office new color is nice and dark.. I like it alot... but apparently Grandmother or Mom's spirit didn't like somehting about it. I had finished one wall and put the artwork over the fireplace( grandmothers painting) Wasn't sure it was the right painting, but for now it was fine. Apparently not.

Last night, while watching tv, the painting came off the wall, hit the the mantle and triple sow cow'd onto the floor. It should have shattered the glass.. but it was still in pristine condition. Someone was not happy with the color or the placement of the painting. So, I have not put a new painting up ... yet. I will have to choose more carefully. I apologized to the ghosts, but told them its my house and I want to move on. We'll see how they take that. Will keep you updated.

Saw a lawyer about my issues with WS. We will be going forward. It will be a long trek, involving state agencies etc., but I am up for the walk down legal lane.

There is an animal eating the phone in my Vermont bedroom. Really. The numbers are eaten off and the earpiece is gouged with teeth marks. It worries me that the... thing... is still in the house. Hmm.

Went to the Portsmouth, NH and York, ME locations of Stonewall and filled out seasonal applications( as per Samanthas request) since there are no permanent or management positions open... open the other stores dammit. I want to work for you guys!!!

Finally .. and what?

2007-10-18T08:43:00.000-04:00

This morning, finally, I am talking with lawyers regarding my gripe, we'll call it, with Williams Sonoma. I have a huge pile of papers, all my notes from all my conversations(thank you Stacie for insisting we do that) and all my feelings and perceptions(perception is reality, isn't that so Tedi?) about these situations. I am confident it will be a great conversation and that I will have a better feel for the timeline for anything legal, if at all.

Then right after that I am going to Boston Casting. I got called in for an industrial audtion. Sort of like a training film for corporate. Funny script.. its all the conversations I have had with WS corporate that employees laugh about, that no one really speaks like this.. but according to the training films, as management, we have to. It would be good money.

Got called in for an audition for Noises Off in Boston.. of course on the one day I got work with Ocean Spray... if they can find another day for me, it would be great... if not.. I will see about rearranging Ocean Spray.

Painting continues on the darkest room in the Northeast. It is taking so many coats .. almost one wall is done.. but I had to stage it to inspire myself to keep going.

2007-10-02T18:43:00.000-04:00

I have had a whirlwind week of stuff. Sunday night I got a call from a friend asking if I was available for any of the week to do some marketing. I said I am wide open. So I got hired to work at the Topsfield Fair pouring Ocean Spray and handing out to anyone who comes to the counter. No hard sell, no up sell, no selling involved.. 12 hours a day at a ridiculous hourly rate that competes with what I was making at Williams Sonoma. Really. I get all the Ocean Spray new products I want and stand there and serve. Free Topsfield Fair entrance too. It is the world of Gluttony on parade... fascinating. I don't have to work mon-weds, so last night I went to Vt to prep the house for friends that are renting the place for the weekend.. and a friend( who was also renting the house currently renting the VT place, was directing a cabaret at a local college, her show was opening that same night..

So, I went up, cleaned house, met VT friends and travelled to Castleton College and saw a cute, if rough cabaret... they are young.. they will get it later in life.. but some were good.

Next morning I came back, Dad had been complaining about his back for a few weeks now, but when I returned, he was relatively incapacitated. He couldn't get out of his chair without great struggle, has messed himself several times trying to get to the bathroom and is in discomfort. He won't go to the doctor, or take other meds than he is taking now.. I convinced him to put on a Ben Gay pad for his back. The house smells like poo poo undies and I am trying to get him to eat a little.

One sis is gonna show her house to Realtors on Thursday, so she wants me to help hide stuff.. Thats fine. Tomorrow we will hide stuff. Then on Thursday back to serving Ocean Spray for the next few days. Friday night I go to a rehearsal for a friends show in Maine that I am running lights for on Saturday.

Oh, yeah, I had my second interview with my 4th person with this new possible job, part time... but damn, the part time job would pay me as much as much as my last full time job. Who pays ridiculous stuff like this? I'll take it if they throw it at me.

Paperwork has been sent to all that need to read it, and discussions will begin to finalize if there is reason to fight the fight.

2nd Interview Impending

2007-09-28T18:00:00.000-04:00

Brief update. @nd interview for new job potential. Fine. Not thrilled , but its work. Which means of course that I will be offered the job. Fine. Its 10 miles from home, and 4 shifts a week and pretty close to what I was making before. Whatever. I don't have any relevant pics to show, so I will find something fun to post , just for the heck of it. 401k in process of being transferred to another company.

The Picture is of some free garden in Toronto... God I love Toronto!!!

One Synapse Away

2007-09-26T22:08:00.000-04:00

I decided to go, at the spur of the moment, to Provincetown, to drop off stuff I had of my dear friend MK's, stay at her place, go to dinner and find a drink and good conversation and maybe flirting. I got to MK's house around 5pm and found her passed out on the couch. I let her sleep until 6pm, when she woke up on her own. We sat on the porch and watched the sun set and talked over her bankruptcy, her mess of a life,her turning 50, my lack of a job, my home life.

It was a mellowing conversation, not because of the topics, but because I shockingly saw in her that she was one synapse away from being the scary old lady that keeps cats. She talked only to her cats, and she repeated her questions to me.. the same 2 questions, within our conversation several times. She didn't know she already asked and got the answers to these questions. She was worse than my Dad has ever been. It was so sad to watch and participate. I told her I already answered them, the first time she repeated the questions, but by the 3rd or 4th time.. I was just playing along, acting as if she had not asked the questions. The following morning, I had hoped, with the alcohol out of her system, I thought she would remember the answers or the questions, but the same questions came at me repeatedly. It was so sad. Knowing I cannot help her.

I cannot save her.

I cannot see her again.

I have enough at home.

I can't add another to my emotional plate.The rest of the night, thankfully was quiet and uneventful, thank God. But I won't be going to Provincetown anymore. It is a thoroughly closed chapter. Sad.

Slowly I turn....

2007-09-22T12:04:00.000-04:00

What great life and coaching lessons I am getting from so many people in my life. Just when you think you are on your own, people come out of the woodwork to offer advice, work, humor, gossip... everything a growing boy needs. I go for an interview on Monday. Its not a dream job, but few are, and if I want to stay on top of my bills... this will be the temp job until the next phase kicks in officially. I have been painting up a storm... the house is fully mulberry now.. with the exception of some of the porch and the barn. I dream to get the barn changed over to a kick ass, pimped out in law apartment... but I need both the in law and the money.. so for now I plan. I am catching up on screens down ,storms up, lawn did/done/did, discussed with the town the sign now on my front lawn and if there is a better spot( not on my lawn, obstructing my view leaving the driveway and thus the drivers not seeing me), cleaning vacuuming, making an office of the first floor for work and tv etc, so my bedroom is only a bedroom.

I get frequent, though not inquired about updates as to the state of WS and the corporate BS that will always be. I get it, really I do. It 's the way it is and has always been. I won't be changing the world with whatever I choose to do, but I sure am gonna see what, in fact, I can do, in my small way to make it better for those that come after me. I was angry for a month. Now it has passed and I can look objectively at the situation. But its my turn to move the chess piece. To Ms. Faux Coach, be gone, you have no power here. lol.

I am doing some event in Peabody tonight where I herd people into a room, make them watch new TV shows then have them fill out questionaires. Couldn't be easier work. Doing some extra work on Monday and maybe Tuesday. Was asked if I have hand modeled before. lol... I could have lied and said yes... a more aggressive person would have, but I think bad things would have occurred.

So here I wait for the cable guy to come and put cable in my office. Nearly gave myself a hernia carrying the tv down the newly painted/newly scraped up stairs.

Dad is being a pissa.... chopping his wood, drinking his rum and watching his tv, throwing out grandmothers old paints that have been sitting in the garage since 1986. Highly toxic I am sure. He keeps intercepting my bills and pays them, then I talk to him and hand him a check for the bills he paid. One less step Dad, just one less step, if you didn't try to pay my bills.

Thank you God

2007-09-12T10:27:00.000-04:00

A Good Strike.
Amongst, the hot arms, no hitters, possible runs to the series, beginnings...was a strike that will be in my mind, newspaper clipping collectable. I loved it. My childhood catholic church was hit by lightning. Smack in the steeple, burned the sucker. While I was humming and blocking my ears....God caught up to his email. Ty. I lived in the pedophile Catholic capital of the world. We ran the underground railroad of priestly nasties. All the infamous...yup....ran sunday school...had mass with Father Now Beat to Death. But, the storm that ran chills up my spine....leaves me with a toothy grin.
Can you believe....police tape ...blocked streets... lights, for the 'sign' things arent right at spiritual home.' Lol. Saw folks disintegrate from that church, take their lives, leave faith. It is about time. Couple years late God...but hey...I know email piles up quick. Nice to see you back ... might believe in you if you could...oh for laughs ...hit them again?

Apple Day 2007

2007-09-04T16:41:00.000-04:00

We had so much fun, even though we were trying to get to Vermont apple orchard and took a trip through NH and I locked my( never locked car) and left my keys in it... but we all came back to my house and cooked apples til we puked. Well, moments away from puking...today we can face the apples and try and eat all the stuff we made. Apple pie, apple cheddar pie, apple brownies, apple cake, apple sauce, apple crisp... lord help us all.

The AlanAriano is not dead for one more day party

2007-08-20T11:27:00.000-04:00

I throw a killer party. I don't know how or why, but I do. This makes me happy. Maybe I should throw parties every week. Professionally? Nah, that would take the fun out of it.

Regatta 2007

2007-08-09T12:21:00.000-04:00

If I didn't have the BULLSCHMITT show in my house on the same days, I would have definately been involved in this fun event. Build your own boat for under 20.00 and it has to float, work make it all the way down the river. It was hysterical. I can't wait to do it next year.

BULLSCHMITT

2007-08-09T12:08:00.000-04:00

Vickie Schmitt came to perform in my house on Aug 5th and 6th as a part of Sue Haefner's Livingroom arts company. It was a huge success. We had our doubts with the initial reservations given on Sunday night(7) but it ended up being a packed house of 40 or so loud laughing people. We will be having Sam and Barbara Lloyd performing Love Letters in the beginning of September. 3 weeks to go until I go back to Massachusetts to return to living with Dad and being an asshole when he drives, drinks, refuses doctor's orders or wants to go to the Red Barrel. I called my district manager last week , after hearing the Asst. Mgr. of my old store is leaving , and left a message that I would love to be considered for the Asst. Mgr. position, as she is well aware that I have wanted to return to that store for over a year. I then heard that another person got the job, but not from her. I left another message today, as if I didn't hear any of this, and reiterated that I really would love to go back to that store, if she could give me a call so we could discuss the possibility of my moving back. And we are back to normal with the, as I perceive it( and I have been taught that perception is reality, thank you Tedi) gender bias that is prevalent in this district. Lets see what her move is.

Red Barrel will send me over Niagra in a barrel

2007-07-25T23:51:00.000-04:00

I got an email from my sister telling me Dad went to the Red barrel bar in town and had a couple drinks. This is the establishment I went to on that fateful night when Dad had been cut off from two other bars, but was served and then they carried him to his truck and got him in, allowed him to drive( blind drunk) home. At home( where I was) I observed him trying to get into the driveway.... driving over the lawn shredding it, not being able to figure out how to get the truck out of neutral. He then slammed into my car doing serious damage. I carried him from the truck to the house. He remembers nothing of this. I also went to the Red Barrel that night and told Joyce Wood, the owner and bartender that night, if she ever served him again, I would own the place. Well apparently, she and Dad do not remember my anger over this situation. I will talk with him and then eventually Joyce. I will also take her to court if she gives me shit over this. I hate people that don't take me seriously.

Nichette lives... Round II

2007-07-25T16:51:00.000-04:00

Nichette, a character I played in Ryan Landry's smash hit in Boston Camille, a few years back has been revived. a cheaper, fatter and sloppier version, but Nichette nonetheless. She is still wearing her retainer and has a bit of a speech impediment. She doesn't realize she is not as pretty as other girls, but boy do the crowds love her energy.

I was nervous.

Its one thing to be a man playing a woman in a show in Boston.

Its a totally other world in Vermont, and who knew if it would go over or not.

It did.

Vermont likes Nichette.

Alot.

She may be in the last Cabaret in September also. She now wears a bonnet and has a different shirt and I had a blowout on stage with the one in the picture. Will try to get a new picture. She wears a hoop skirt too. Classy all the way.

Group Birthday Party.. a huge hit!

2007-07-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

There were so many people, including myself, that had birthdays last week, I decided to have a party at my house for everyone. I told everyone to BYOB and a snack, if they wanted, but show up. It started t 11pm on Sunday and I ended up with 75 or so in the house and all looked like they were having a fantastic time. The one bad part of it, that I later found out, was Jonathan T(tiara) broke his foot going from the car that drove him home to his house. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the Sapphire martini's that he was enjoying.... all night. I will try to get as many pics of the party up here It was so fun. .. ok.. better would be my christening the place( and by christening I mean getting naked with someone else in the room ) but... it was as good a party as I could have thrown.

40.... AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH

2007-07-20T10:48:00.000-04:00

I guess I am OK With it, but damn.. how the hell did I get to be 40? I am now officially older than my brother ever got to be, and that is saddening, but I don't think I feel or look like what 40 is. I did have a gorgeous, heaving meal of carbs my sister made for me. I slipped into a carbo coma after that and then had to go to work that evening. Earlier in the day Chris and I went driving in the forest.. and instead of taking pictures of nature, we got thrilled to no end taking pictures of huge piles of poo. Moose, Horse, who knows, but they were huge piles of poo. Now thats a birthday celebration.

Dad's Ass.. or Dad is an Ass..

2007-07-15T10:12:00.000-04:00

Just got email from sister M and she is telling me all about her and Dads last phone call. He updated her on all he's been doing. He went to Dr. Smith's, a man he thinks is an idiot. Not far from the truth but, anyway....

Smith wants Dad to have another colonoscopy. There is the possibility of blood in his urine,,,

what tipped them off the last time of polyps.

The last day surgery for that had him in intensive care for a month. Dad doesn't remember much of that time, and thats good, because it was awful.. but he knows that he doesn't want to do it again so he told Smith no.

Smith didn't like it . So now its whose is bigger, Dad's or Smith's.

Questions I now have. How did Dad get to the appointment? Drive? If it is something serious and Dad may eventually be in pain or discomfort... will he tell anyone.. or not , for fear that he will end up in the hospital and never get out?

If it is serious, how hard do I push Dad to get it checked out? I am on the good cop side of the fence for the moment even given my threatening to sell the truck if he drives... which he has. My last call with him, I tried to steer the conversation to Smith, but he wouldn't take the bait. I'll try again.. maybe he will have forgot he didn't tell me.

On a lighter note, I accidentally cradles a flashlight's(secret term for a very specific class of person) ass.

It was an accident, truly..

He walked up and was talking to me while I was greeting people at the door to Cabaret, and trying to be professional, I was not looking at him, but smiling at people and talking to him... I reached my arm to place it on his back to show I was focused on him but not appearing rude to not face him while talking to him. I reached for his back but he had a big backpack on, so I went lower to find his back and by the time I found what I thought was his back I stopped. As he continued to talk to me I thought to myself,

"That is an awfully round back muscle... oh god.. its his butt cheek, ......quick pull it away and apologize.. no.. leave it there like don't realize it.. no.. apologize and make a funny comment... no... run screaming out of embarrassment.. no .. that will make him feel I didn't mean it or enjoy it.. what? What the hell do I do..?"

So I left it there.. we talked for a few more seconds and then he went to gather his group to go back to his house.. I continued on with my job and and trying to figure the best way to approach an apology or not.. or ... hmm .. still not sure.

It was the best date in a year.

3 days to 40. How did this happen? I may end up the Unibomber If I don't get past accidental 1st base.

Can there be more rain in Vermont ... please.. I still have one pair of sock that is not waterlogged.

Hail???? friggin Hail!!

2007-07-10T16:44:00.000-04:00

Its July 10th for craps sake. Its hot and humid and for the first time in a long time, i left my car windows open so it won't turn into an inferno... its the country for crying out loud. Then, despite what I put out there to the universe, thank you The Secret, it began to rain and miraculously hail. In vermont.... during a heat wave... with all my windows open. Grrrrrr.

103123.. 7 Miles and counting

2007-07-10T09:31:00.000-04:00

The odometer on dad's truck is 103123. He's driven... 7 miles... not alot in grand life terms, but for him thats 7 miles of country children to bounce off of and roll over... he also is chopping down trees. Small trees. But almost felled a tree on my car...
He likes not having me there. He can do what he likes. He could do it before... but now he can do what he likes, and what he is not supposed to do.
This parenting thing sucks.

This is udderly ridiculous

2007-07-07T10:42:00.000-04:00

I just left the theater this morning after a brief rehearsal for the skit I am in for the next Cabaret with Sue Haefner. Granted I was a little tired from hanging out in the restaurant with Dr. Dick, his son Richard and a few others, but as I was walking to my car I saw something I have never seen before. I thought I had seen it all. Apparently not.
What pulled out from a parking space in front of the theater was a little, light blue circa 1990's Honda Civic hatchback..... with a cow in the way back. Ok, it was a young calf, but it was a cow, filling the majority of the back window, going for a ride in a Honda Civic. Several questions came to my mind.
Joy ride?
Thinks its part of the family?
Wandered off and they just found it?
Wouldn' t you think, if you have cows, you'd invest in a truck?
Just my thoughts.
I sooooo wish I had my camera with me.

Birds of a Feather... KABOOM!!!

2007-06-26T10:41:00.000-04:00

I got back last night from a phenomenal interview with the company I really would love to move on to in the fall and was unpacking the car into the little red school house when I saw something odd on the lawn. I noticed that my lawn guy Jason, some say the Vermont version of Brad Pitt, had mowed the lawn. On a side note, if he is the VT version of Brad Pitt, I'd hate to see the VT version of ,Marty Feldman. Anyway, I looked at something on the lawn and noticed a feather.

Oh, I thought,

I have a bird living in the tree on my front lawn. Then I looked around and saw a few more feathers.

Oh, I thought,

revising the scenario, there must have been a bird scuffle.. two birds fighting... perhaps over territory. How country like.

Then I took a serious circle around the area...

Ohhhhhh......

Eeewwwwwwww......

It seems as though Jason/Brad mowed a bird down.

The important non feather bits and pieces were thrown further than the feathers.

Ewww.

I know this is country living and all but ewww.

So we begin the sneaking, since honesty won't work.

2007-06-26T08:57:00.000-04:00

I have been reduced to taking pictures of the truck's odometer to see if dad has driven it, since I know that he has, and he has slipped up on giving the information to me.He is wising up, though, and he, rather than letting the stroke and his fuzzy brain make a mistake, he just is silent. If he tries to lie, his brain doesn't work fast enough, like it used to and I can tell that he is lying. So he just goes silent. It's rather funny to see his face go slack trying to make the brain go fast and resigned to saying nothing because he knows I will sell the truck if he slips up. Now I know what parents go through with young children. This is yet another reason why I don't have kids.

Lindsey Lohan... go away

2007-06-23T09:20:00.000-04:00

I just woke from the worst dream/ nightmare. Lindsey Lohan was carving the image of a giant tree into my counter... my beautiful slab of maple counter in VT. We were having a screaming match over it, until both of our voices were hoarse.
A) Lindsey Lohan? Where'd that come from?
B) Like a would watch her defile my counter?
C)Like I would scream or that she had the voice to ever out scream me?

What the hell does that mean? I guess I have to choose carefully whom I let into my house and life... hmm.. interesting.... thanks subconscious mind.

Thank God they hired me for my looks...

2007-06-20T08:56:00.000-04:00

I am such an idiot when it comes to the Choice Computer Ticketing System of the box office here. Nothing is logical, no save button.. you go forward and pay or go back to do more and lose it all. Yesterday I messed up while the biggest sponsor of the theater company stood looking at me like I was friggin shitting in my Osh Gosh B'gosh's. I later learned he was the big poobah and makes everyone quake in their shoes... everyone. Then I did another booboo, but I hope they won't catch it. Why tell them if they won't find it , is my mantra this summer.

I went date shopping while I watched the tech thru of the first show. One possibility would make my sister laugh. I could get a flashlight out of it. LOL (inside joke)... but I think I have to keep shopping.. I think its going to be slim pickins in VT this year. And me with my own house. Sad.

Allergies are kicking my ass.

I made it to 2 miles jogging yesteday, but have hurt my leg a little... will take it easy for a day.

Sunday night I go home to check on Dad. Monday I have a meeting, then back to VT.

Reading like a banshee, is that TOO unPC to say? I have no idea the origin of the word, but I'm sure somewhere in this world someone would be pissed I said it.

I have been writing down quotes that move me lately... Mom did it too. How far from the family tree we do not wander.

"... because when you love someone and they die you are alone, nobody can take away the horror and wrongness of their absence. Life goes on around you as if nothing has happened, and yet to you nothing happens anymore. You don't go on; you're dead too, only you're still feeling the pain of dying without dying's release." from the trashy gay novella Different People.

How true.

Dad's driving.. everyone hide your country chidren

2007-06-18T11:57:00.000-04:00

I have been here in Vermont for it seems two weeks or so and have gone home to visit Dad a few times. We have nice catch up conversations and in the last conversation, he let it slip and I got even more information from him by doing sneaky followup questions that he has begun driving again. I tried not to act mad or surprised. I am trying to stay the good cop in this, but when I left to go back to Vt and he was out fishing, I wrote a note and left it on his desk. It said "Happy Fathers Day.... if you drive the truck again, I'm selling it. Either take the drivers test again or stop driving." This is a man that had/ has vision in one eye and hasn't read a book in years because he can't see the words. After his extended hospital stay, I got his doctor to write to the DMV to make them ask him to take his test again in light of his recent medical tests. They did. He had one month to take the test or lose his driving rights. He chose not to go, so he let his license to expire. He says he only drives at quiet times and on back country roads. I respond to that reasoning that there are back country children on back country roads, Dad.
So we have taken the odometer reading and the next week or two will be the deciding factor.
On a totally healthy side, I have worked up to jogging a good solid mile+ a day... it ain't pretty and it ain't fast, but I get there. I hate it... but it's got to be done. I tried Pilates, but it hurts my butt bone, and her voice on the video is annoying. but I may go back to it.
Still no christening of the house.. Dr. Dick has offered if I get in a pinch. I may get there. I am beginning to get concerned on it.. its a challenging cast season.. the young company has already paired up and the older company are, as the company manager stated "old or married or both" she's 25.. so what her definition of old is is relative. Will keep you posted.
I also told my dear friend Hilari Scarl of On the Lot fame, andone of my longest term friends in life, that I am willing and able to whore myself to help her get funding for her brilliantly genius documentary about deaf entertainers. So I have to find rich old guys that need a tax writeoff and sleep with them for 5000.00 or more... each..... does that make me cheap? It's for deaf people around the world... its a good cause. Check her website and link to this movie.
http://www.hilariscarl.com/

My therapy begins

2007-06-12T09:37:00.000-04:00

Today I begin my summer job. I am glad to have something to do. I have been in the VT house for almost 2 weeks now and there has been alot of rain. My brain has a tough time being in the relaxed stage and am just starting to breathe in and out on a regular basis. Went to a fantastic gay dinner party. If a dinner party can be gay, this one was gay. Dr Dick and Rick asked if I was avail for a BBQ. Yes. I arrived and met Mitch (former Broadway guy, need to google him), James( some techy guy like Rick), Charles( a very self important producer of movies, I guess) and Tom Aulino( actor from Weston and Broadway). It was lovely conversation, food and wine. The view was fantastic from their house on the hill. They are phenomenal hosts. Now to get into the hot tub.:-)

The season of shows here should be fun.... lets hope there is someone to flirt with. Please God, let there be someone.

Tried to jog, hurt my right knee. Chopped wood, hurt my left knee. I am not meant for active endeavors.

The no TV choice is presently killing me, but I will work though this too.

Went for a walk up my river the other day.. was cold but wonderful.

Vermont Week One

2007-06-05T09:47:00.000-04:00

This is more challenging than I thought. 12 hours after I get here, stir crazy. Leenie, the caretaker of my grounds yells at me for planting plants in an area that her son mows. Annoyed that I put up stakes to tell them where the plants are. So I either have to put up a fence to shield them or expect to not have new plants this year. Why can't I have plants where I want them.. its my land?I try jogging...ok, jog walking.. jog 500 feet.... walk 500 feet, etcetera... until I get to the top of the hill.... give up... walk home. I also did Pilates but it hurt my butt bones. 24 hours after I get here I get a visit from my friend Lissette and her daughters. It was fun but my brain wasn't unpacked yet. Then rain rain rain. That would be ok, except for the error of trying to go tv free. So yesterday I decide to go to Burlington, Vt and spy on the Williams Sonoma there and go to Pier One Imports and buy a papasan chair that I saw at a MA store. 2 and a half hours later I get to Burlington. Lord help me. It's a smaller store... 3 or 4 associates and never a greet. hmm.. par for the course... like to see their shop scores. Bought caramelized onions and panini spread.. the basics. Then asked Mischka? where the Pier One is.. she tells me.. I go there. Nothing. No pier one.. they left. I drove 2.5 hours to get to a store that is no longer in the state? piss me off. I drive home.

Pouring rain as usual.

I catch an average of 1 mouse a day.. thats good.. now to work on the ants. Water doesn't smell anymore.... for the moment.

Netflix needs to be faster.

Just waiting for Weston Playhouse to call me to arms.

Maybe I'll go homefor the night. See if Dad is alive. Or Driving.

I just hit myself in the balls trying to swat a bug. Nice. If that isn't profound... no.. that isn't profound. Just stupid.

I'm about to step on the platform

2007-05-10T21:37:00.000-04:00

Greys Anatomy.

George says to a sad and numb whatsherface(ok names aren't my specialty) that "i wish i"... oooh its meredith.... ok.. back to the thought. he said "it feels like i'm on a train going 200 miles an hour and I just want it to stop .. I want to step off the train for a while and stand on the platform."

I'm stepping off the platform... go as fast as you want train... i'm gonna wave you on by for a while.

On a side note, how is it humanly possible that I can paint two room of my sisters house in 3 hours and I can't finish my friggin stairs I've been working on for a year?

Annus Horribilius

2007-04-27T09:54:00.000-04:00

Bad Ass. I'm sure the Queen of England did not mean that as a translation when she had her bad year... and to be quite honest, I don't feel like one either. A pain in the ass, a kick in the ass... just a bad, bad year emotionally and mentally.

I give up. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. Cooked. Finished.

I had a meeting with my boss and our boss, to clarify where I stand with the company and if there are any future plans for me and how concrete they might be. I feel like I finally got honesty from BB. Why I didn't get them when I was turned down in October eludes me. I walked from the meeting with alot to mull, but finally decided in my mind that I just can't keep on keepin on. Somethings gotta change.

Yesterday I had such a sad meeting with Amanda. She was being the boss, giving my review, and saying such kind and true words. I had nothing to say in response but thank you, and then I told her I had to step away. As a boss she got mad, as a friend she understood. I explained it as well as I could in words, but I think the tears I shed were more telling.

A grown man crying at the state of his life. On paper my life looks great, in my heart it is nothing.

I am runnning away. I am escaping to the little red house for the summer, forcing my sisters to step up to the plate for a bit until I grow a spine, balls, humor, joie de vivre.

I have nothing concrete to run to. No job, no dates, no plan on how to recover.

What I know I will be doing is begging an old Playhouse for a job.. or at least a task. I'll be walking in the woods, maybe even running. eating healthier and cooking alot, for others hopefully. And a kiss. Or holding a hand.

No tv, no radio. books .. lots of books and movies. A bike. I need a bike. and to finish all the notes and projects I have ignored for too long. Like the quilt I told Joey I would do.

But who mows the lawn and goes to the dump and picks up the bills before Dad tries to pay them? I haven't thought it all through .. but, there is no other choice. I am on the edge of a cliff and a herd of platypus's? are running toward me.. I have to jump.

Mom's memory, written in 1995

2007-04-08T21:56:00.000-04:00

The silly, 4 legged girl is me at 20. I am legally an adult but have yet to grow up. The second set of legs belongs to my older sister, Barbara. We are spending a week at my folk's summer place on Cape Cod.

Barb and I are like kids let out of school. Her moody husband is at work in the city and will be down on the weekend. He doesn't approve of me; I make Barbara laugh too much. Our eldest sister, the serious one, is here also, being sensitive and pensive, floating around the edges of our hilarity, just one beat behind. Were we wicked to be so slam-bang fast with the comeback or were we pushng away her persistent melancholy?

A heavenly 5 days without the complications of men ( they do change the equation, don't they) and then the 3 guys show up on Friday night: Barb's husband and Beverly's beau and my beau.

The sleeping arrangements were that we 3 girls would share one bedroom and, on the other side of a wall that went up almost to the ceiling, the three guys. I sat on my bed and slid my feet under the covers and my foot touched something cool and smooth. I screamed and jumped out of that bed like my feet were on fire. My sister Barbara was falling down laughing. She had put a lightbulb under the covers. I thought it was a snake.

After a long laughing while, we quieted down and the house breathed in silence. Someone on the other side of the wall broke wind. This awful noise was referred to, in our family, as a pardon - me noise and was not done by ladies. Barbara and I grabbed each other and covered our mouths in gleeful shock. Then another explosion, different tone, different timbre, rolled over the top of the wall.

Now a third report, small and high pitched, tooted out, Barb and I were hysterical.The contest became a concert in three parts. It was like the end of the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind, when the spaceship communicates with earthlings in musical blasts. All the while not a word was spoken. By the time the guys ran out of gas, we were literally worn out with laughter.

I'm glad I was silly and carefree and heedless of time's passing. I'm glad Barb and I wrung every bit of good out of every moment we had together. If she were alive now, we would still be driving our husbands crazy with our laughter.

The manual didn't prepare me for this.

2007-03-22T19:40:00.000-04:00

Miserably sick ... and tired to boot. I sound like Brenda Vaccaro, and feel like her mother. Yet I still am out and about doing errands on my day off, for work of course. After all the running around, Dad and I went for a quick burger. Just a quick and painless no awful-images-stuck-in-my-mind burger. As he hobbles to the car, doing the 3 point pivot edging his butt into the car seat, he tells me he gave himself another haircut. I tell him it looks good and he is getting much better at it. No huge chunks and patches, tufts of hair poking out here and there. The back of the head is still a challenge as I see angles that would make Picasso take up drinking. I fear he is turning into my brother David, trapped in his OCD ritual moments.
We re sitting at the little table at the Windward and he perks up and tells me he finally got around to something he has been meaning to do for a long time.
Naively I ask "What?"
"I shaved my balls."

"Excuse me?"

I stumble over the words both imagining the scene and being slightly sickened by it.

"I shaved my balls. Do you know how long my hair is down there. Your Mother used to hate when I had long hair down there.....that and I have one inney and one outie."

"Why on Earth did you tell me this?"
I realized I ask this and not why did you do this, I guess because I really did not want to know why.
"Just wanted to tell you what I did today."
He said with a smile. I think because he was proud of himself and secretly happy he grossed me out.
I told him to be careful and don't cut anything.
Visions of David danced in my head.
What have I gotten myself into.

New Year, new life focus

2007-01-03T20:57:00.000-05:00

Goals to achieve in 2007

1) Get a job with Stonewall Kitchen or at least give it my all trying to convince them I am just what they need.

2)Accept the plexiglass ceiling or mediocrity I have hit with people that have, or think they have, power and all the answers, and make the choice to walk away instead of fight.

3) Accept nothing but honest and necessary communication from all in my life. From those I don't get it from, make my circle smaller. Life is too precious to try to change people.

4)Work toward a healthy relationship.

5) If I can't do number 4, just strive for fun until the right one comes along.. if it is going to come along.

6) Finish the Ma garden.

7)make the 1st floor bedroom into my office/media room.

8) Go to Europe.

9) Travel more... again.

10) reach out and reestablish friendships i have lost in the last 4 years of living /breathing/ stressing over dad.

11) Run a 5 k.

12) To get ready for the 5k, begin working out, again... and learn to like it.

13) Lose 10 lbs.

14) Drink less, read more, watch less tv, clean house more.

15) Get a cat.

16)Live in the moment.

Positive will get me everywhere

2006-10-26T22:15:00.000-04:00

This entry will have nothing to do with my Dad..... directly. I will try to be nothing but positive and find the good in all things. I am a new home owner, well sort of.. I own the house Dad and I live in, but thats a technicality. That didn't stop me from refinancing and buying( on the spur of the moment) a vacation home in the town I worked in over a decade ago and have always dreamed of owning. Its a dreamy little home with a river, waterfall, forest and apple tree, though crabby it may be.
People keep offering me their crap furniture. I am grateful but I don't want crap in my dream home. I want things that make me feel warm and fuzzy at every turn. So I search through magazines, wander stores and impulse buy as the mood strikes(Until the first mortgage bill comes in). The house will be filled with wonderful things... and then there is Ikea. I wanted to stay within a budget and since I felt it not wise to have the beds as antiques, I wanted to have something sturdy(for those, please let them happen naked moments). My sister and I have a bet. If she christens the house first, I get my choice of great furniture from her house... if I christen it first( as should be my right) she gets the spool bed that was Grandathers then mine then my brother Davids.
Anyway, in the meantime, and getting ready for potential renters of the house, to help pay the bills, I went to Ikea. As my new Mcdreamy(in mind but not the flesh) said to me, and I agree, the bed should be Frank Lloyd Wright or Mission in feel. I found something at Ikea, as well as alot of other stuff to fill the spaces. Throwing my body against the bags and boxes in the parking lot trying in vain to get them into my car, I was happy with my purchases and drove up to Vt. the next day to put the new furniture together. At Midnight, I found that, after 3 hours of struggling with the Frank Lloyd Ikeaish bed, I was missing the main bar that holds the whole mattress up. After the primal scream in the forest, I threw the damn mattress into the hole where it should have gone and watched it sink an additional foot to the floor, tossed the pillows and got under the covers and went to sleep. It's still my bed. Thats all that matters.
The next morning, I went to pick up my dining room table my sister picked out for me, and brought it home and tried to put it together. I don't have the right tools. An incomplete table, an unfinished bed and the futon I took apart and brought downstairs to make way for the Ikea bed, I can't get back together, too many extra pieces. but it doesn't matter. I have house in the country.
I'll buy the other stuff, bring the right tools, and burn the extra parts in the fireplace, and then all will be right with the world. Til then, its pretty damn good, all things considered.

30x30.. not embracing it , but still I advertise.

2006-08-31T21:31:00.000-04:00

Ok... so, life is totally silly and is out to make us all look like fools. I had gone outlet shopping for the first time in a long time and I bought alot of clothes to mask the angst of wanting to buy the perfect house. I can't buy it because I have a job that , although pays me better than any job I have ever had, still is just slightly above poverty line. I saw the perfect VT house and my heart went a flutter. My friend Sharon made me cry when she attached me emotionally to the house by naming it. Camp David. Nice. I like it , and now have to buy it. Sharon is soooo paying for her time that she stays there.
Anyway, after seeing the house and wanting it, I went to my next best love, shopping, and bought alot of clothes. Its getting harder to embrace my expanding waistline, mentally that is, but enough layering and I can put off going to the gym for another year.
Mind you, its all relative. Until I turned 30 I was 118 pounds dripping wet. I am no longer 118 pounds and no longer 30 and not happy about it. The fact that I have to keep adding a number to my pants waistline each time I go shopping pisses me off. I don't tell my weight or waistsize, because I have my own issues with it. That and truly large people get mad at me for hating my size.
Today, I wore the first of my new clothes... for discount, they are not too bad. Cool jeans at Banana Republic and a nice shirt. I got my car tuned up, went to the grocery store, went to the hardware store, post office, bank, and my old job location to see friends.
When I got home, Dad and I made our way to the car to do lunch at Lewis', and as I walk out to the car I notice I still have the 30x30 adhesive strip from the store still on the pant leg of my jeans.
The dozens and dozens of people I passed in all my interactions said nothing.
My friends said nothing.
Thank you Amanda and Sue Ann(I'll get you guys later for this).
I hate when this happens.
So I came home from lunch and proceeded to make my favorite lasagna recipe...Jamie Olivers.
It is freakin amazing.
Dad is losing the ability to hold his bowels.
Did I mention that?
Maybe not.
Maybe thats because I am sipping wine.
It could be the food I feed him... but I chose to think it is him asserting his rights as an elder adult. Am I wrong to be this delusional?
I think so.
Thanks for letting me vent. And don't ask my weight or waist size.

Guilt is Good and a necessary tool

2006-08-19T11:46:00.000-04:00

Today is Patrick Sweeney's 40th birthday. He was such a close friend of my brother David. He has Downs Syndrome too, like my brother. My sisters and Dad are going to the surprise party for Pat at the Marconi club this afternoon, but I go down to make my morning tea and Dad informs me he is not going to the party.
I ask him why.
He doesn't feel like partying. He tells me he left a message for my sister but she might not be awake yet.
I called and left my own message for her telling her not to call him back, to just show up.
This is pissing me off... I walk around the house and mull over why I find him being selfish. So as I make a couple cucumber sandwiches I figured out the argument to throw at him. I go down to his room and sit and eat my sandwiches as he sits at his desk and tells me about his day yesterday and other mundane reports.
I'm not listening... I am secretly already making the points to him. Now to wait for the opportunity to start the conversation.
Silence. Perfect.
"Why do you not want to go to the party again?"
In a loud parental voice he replies" I don't feel up to partying."

Silence.

Silence.

In a very paced and controlled, almost talking to myself voice I begin my response.

"Barbara(Pat's mom) and Patrick Sweeney have been in our lives for nearly 40 years. This party is not for you, it is for Patrick. He's 40 today. David didn't make it to 40. Barbara wants to celebrate his life and be thankful for all the good things Pat has been to us all. Barbara probably didn't want to go to Dave's funeral, but she was there, because she loves us and was supporting us. Your going to the party is showing her you support her and Patrick. It's not about you partying."

Silence.

He pulls out a totally different topic and talks about dump stickers and such.
I finish my first sandwich and tell him I have to go upstairs to do paperwork. I have no paperwork. the closest thing to paperwork is replacing the toilet paper roll.

I just got off the phone with Chris. He won't be going to the party.
Asshole.
Guilt works better on children I guess. I'll have to work up my skills. I thought for sure death, dying and guilt would have sealed the deal.

Percocet and Chocolate Frosting

2006-06-24T20:12:00.000-04:00

The stress and physical strain of work reignited the lower back crap. An annoyance at best, I feel the tweak of pain every once in a while. As I get older it gets harder and harder to pass as youthful, fresh and spirited.
Then I decided to become an alpha male and finally finish painting the Little House, a studio apartment on the property that I rent to sporadically sane people. It's a lovely mulberry color that strangers envy so much I get random knocks on the door for paint samples.( not of late because the house looks like crap.) but anyway...
So I wander the yard and find the 12 foot? 10 foot? who knows.. huge ass aluminum ladder and drag it over to the little house. Missing dangerously warm wires that go from the house to the scary looking pole on the street, I slam the ladder against the house and climb, excited at the possibility of unifying the house colors and making it look respectable.
Ok, passable.
Don't look closely.
After 2 hours of paint and move, paint and move.. hover, lean, arch and reach, the lower back is feeling slightly sore. But I'm a former dancer dammit.. I can work through the stiffness and get toned at the same time.
I decide to tackle the storm window on the giant picture window of the little house. As I lower the behemoth(sp) pane of glass I feel a very sharp twang in my lower back. Wow, that hurt like a motherfucker. Ok, I'm a former dancer, I can work through the pain and get tone at the same time.
I try to lift the storm window back up to the original spot. Thwack!. WOW that really hurts... soooooo past the normal pain one should experience in childbirth and window lifting. ok... I haven't been a dancer in decades and I'll never get it back.
Ok. Little break. Let the back relax.
Oh, right.... Dad has some secret store of meds stashed somewhere in this house.,...
now to find them.
Not in the fridge, freezer, bathrooms, closets, drawers, desk or spice cabinet. Dammit. When he gets home from fishing( none caught today) I ask him if he has any pain meds I can steal. After an hour of searching he finds some old Percocet, next to the tape measure and checkbook( mental note), from a dental trip that he never used. Yes, thats right folks, this is a man who choses not to use pain meds when going though root canals. Why? Why. Why! Really?.. is it necessary to choose this level of pain with all the other crap one gets thrown at you?
So, not being the drug user, I take a half a pill and wash it down with a big glass of water.... ok.. I lied.. it was a Serendipity frozen hot chocolate laced liberally with Kahlua.
I called work and told my boss, the devil, I most likely would not be in to work tomorrow.
As the evening progressed, the meds began to hit and just in time to watch my favorite long distance, never met, dysfunctional friend Kathy Griffin's new season. I am hungry. Eating in bed is now Pavlovian to me, or maybe its the calories burned just heaving my middle aged fat ass up into the King George the freakin tall legged bed. Seriously.. the top of the mattress is at the nipple line. Pair that with a Percocet, and it makes for fun cable TV.
I stumble off the bed.. down the still not finished stairs(that my sister hates) and begin rummaging thru the fridge.
Nothing.
Wait.. I just made cupcakes last week... any frosting left?...Oooohh... Vanilla and Chocolate... nice.. which will go better with Kathy?
Chocolate... totally.
I climb the stairs, leap up into bed and get the pillows just right as the drugs hit full force. I shovel spoonfuls of frosting into my mouth as Kathy receives the key to some city.
I don't remember much after that,,, but the empty can of frosting and the spoon in my pilowcase make me think I had fun the night before.
Then I try to move.
Wow.
My back hurts like a bitch on a unicycle wearing too tight spandex, but I am thankful my Dad is a glutten for punishment. That and Percocet.

Erysipilus

2006-06-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

Erysipilus??? Seriously? Seriously. He remembers the word Erysipilus and that he contracted this African skin rash in 1963 but he can't remember Lisa's name, a woman he sees every week at his local hangout or the name of the restaurant he goes to at least 3 times a month. Our morning conversations are so revealing as to his mental state.
I wake up when the world demands me to, stumble down my half painted stairs(will they ever be done?), maneuver around the squeaking parts of the sloping floors to my tea corner. Yes, I really have a tea corner, not the least of my eccentricities. If Dad is awake, I hear him putting wood into the stove to warm the room for our chat. As I make tea I holler to Dad in his studio apartment just down the hall.
"Morning", I say.
"Goood Morning." he responds in a cheery sliding sort of way.
"How was your day at work, besides long?" he asks next.
"Long." I say, slightly rolling my eyes thinking, 'Can't he ask me a different question once in a freakin while? Its too early to go into the dance, the prewritten patter.'
And we are off on our morning script. It feels like a secret handshake that we have to get through before we can begin with the telling of each others previous day. It's always, Morning, goood morning, how was your day at work, besides long? Long.
Once the tea is made I plunk myself down on his barc a lounger(sp) as he sits at his desk chair and we begin the banter. Sometimes we do the same mind loop, the same 4 or 5 stories. I'm torn as to whether or not I should tell him I've heard the story before or to just let him go on as if its a new tale. I figure, what harm does it do me... a little acting surprised, a little uhuh at the proper time... he feels good. Big whoop. Get out of my freakin narcissistic bubble.
Every once in great while he'll come out with a doozy... a real story I haven't heard, about people who are long gone, names and places and events that draw me in. It amazes me that he remembers these things( or does he?).
One new story a month.... not great odds, but if we deviate from the well worn path of stories once a month, I can handle that. I guess. Don't hold me to it. I'm in a good mood at the moment, with 2 days off from work.